Dear Holy Juan...
Marcie’s question has prompted one of my own. I thought you were only joking about answering life altering questions. Ok..Here goes...
How do I drink on the job and my employees be none the wiser.
also how do I make a million dollars this year...and yes, these questions can be intertwined.
Sweet Cinnamon from Millersport who lies on Myspace and says she lives in Grove City.
Dear Sweet Cinnamon,
You crazy, f’ing loon! The first part of your question was answered in my previous “Ask HolyJuan” segment! You even mention reading it in your letter. Do you want me to say the exact same thing again? Drinking-at-work technology has not changed in the past week. Here is the link to the last Ask HolyJuan. http://www.holyjuan.com/2008/01/ask-holyjuan-drinking-at-work.html When you see Marcie’s name, say yours instead. TaDa!
As for the second half of your question, here’s how you make a million dollars. Keep this one to yourself: Buy a two million dollar house. Sell it for half price.
And I am not intertwining, goddamnit.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Ask HolyJuan. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query Ask HolyJuan. Sort by date Show all posts
Ask HolyJuan: 614-GAY-IDOL
I understand that several of my readers do not have hands or are busy with their hands while reading my site.
I have taken this into consideration and am installing a messaging service so that you can leave me your questions and comments via voice mail. Just call 614-GAY-IDOL or 614-429-4365 and leave me a message. I'll immediately get your message and reply as soon as I get my hands freed up.
Having a problem with your spouse? Ask HolyJuan!
Need relationship advice? Ask HolyJuan!
Wonder what that itchy sore on your arm is? Ask HolyJuan!
I have taken this into consideration and am installing a messaging service so that you can leave me your questions and comments via voice mail. Just call 614-GAY-IDOL or 614-429-4365 and leave me a message. I'll immediately get your message and reply as soon as I get my hands freed up.
Having a problem with your spouse? Ask HolyJuan!
Need relationship advice? Ask HolyJuan!
Wonder what that itchy sore on your arm is? Ask HolyJuan!
"Ask HolyJuan" over the phone! – 614-429-4365
Google has a new phone messaging service in beta called http://www.grandcentral.com/ that I signed up for and I’m hoping you can help me test it out. Call me, HolyJuan, at 614-429-4365 and leave an Ask HolyJuan question. It’s easy to remember because the number also spells 614-GAY-IDOL.
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
It seems like a pretty cool service and it’s free now. I’m sure once they get people hooked that there will be a fee involved.
When I originally set it up, I gave my cell phone number to Grand Central for the confirmation call-back message that I was a real person. When I had my friend Chris call to test it out, my cell phone rang. The default setting on Grand Central is for the internet number call to go to the default contact number as an actual call. I switched that so that all calls go to my voice mail. I can retrieve all my calls on line via MP3 so let it be known that your call is being recorded to improve customer satisfaction.
So, if you are familiar with my Ask HolyJuan segment, feel free call and leave a question or a message. Or just call and say something dirty.
Thanks,
HJ
Ask HolyJuan: My arm falls asleep at night
Dear HolyJuan,
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
I have a serious issue with my arm falling asleep during the middle of the night. I don't know how I eventually end up lying on my arm (I presume this is what's causing it), but when it does happen, I have to beat my arm against the wall to try and get the blood flowing. Needless to say, my neighbors do not appreciate this at 4am.
What can I do? Please help me HolyJuan!
-Ralph
Dear Ralph,
I do not see this as a problem more than I see it as an opportunity. When you find yourself waking up with a numb arm, you are in optimal condition for giving yourself a masturbatory, ethereal hand job. Jerking off is a lot better when it feels like someone else is doing it to you. If you do not have a someone else, but hate that self loathing feeling, I always suggesting tying a sock tightly around your wrist to cut off circulation and feeling. I usually wrap my hand around a lubed up 8" portion of kielbasa before wrapping the sock around the wrist and hand. When fully numb, I pull out the kielbasa and I have the perfect hand formation for self pleasure frozen in place. The numb hand feels like someone else's hand yanking on my man meat.
I will caution you not to go "Michael Hutchence" and fall asleep with your hand still tightly wrapped unless you are into a next morning, gangrene masturbatory experience.
But in your case my friend, all this is unnecessary. If you wake up and your arm is asleep, take advantage of a self love situation! (Though for added pleasure, keep the lubed up kielbasa handy.)
If you have sworn off such things like masturbation, as my good friend 2Sack has, then you are out of luck. But if you are afraid of waking your neighbors, kill them while they sleep with your numb, club arm, thus reducing the chances that they will be awakened during future episodes. Leave the lubed kielbasa in their blood stained bed to throw off the cops and to allow the local media to give you a cool serial killer name.
Best of luck friend,
HolyJuan
{Send your Ask HolyJuan questions to holyjuan@gmail.com.}
Ask HolyJuan: Snooping Neighbor with Pooping Dog
Dear HolyJuan,
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
I recognize you as a shining beacon of reason in a world filled with inane ramblings. Because of the high regard by which I hold your judgment, I need to ask another question of you.
After I bought my house last year, I found out that my neighbor had also been interested in buying the house, and was upset that I had purchased the property out from under his nose.
On a number of occasions over the past year I’ve noticed this neighbor snooping around my property.
This past winter I spied tracks in the snow leading from my neighbor’s house to my backyard.
This spring, while readying my yard to be mowed, I noticed lots of dog poo strewn about my backyard. As my neighbor has a dog, and he obviously feels at home on my property, I suspect he has been using my backyard as his dog’s toilet.
Every time I knock on my neighbor’s door to discuss my concerns, he does not answer, although I know he is home.
So HolyJuan, how should I move forward on this issue? As always, I trust your judgment implicitly, and appreciate your attention to my trivial concerns.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
P.S. Two other things that should be noted: 1) This neighbor is a very large man, who looks very much like Paul Sr. from the show American Chopper, so physical violence is off the table. 2) I’d rather not contact the police or dog warden, as again, this neighbor is huge and I suspect he would hold a grudge.
Dear Sleepy Scott,
I do not envy your position. There’s only one way to get rid of a bad neighbor and it’s illegal, so it is best just to learn to get along.
First off, I would begin by erecting a physical barrier between the two houses. If you can afford a fence, great. Make sure you check with your local ordinances to see how high and of what your fence could be constructed. If a fence is out of your price range, try landscaping. Mulch beds and trees can make a physical barrier as well as a psychological one, especially when planted in front of windows. Plus, they will add value to your home.
Second, get your lawn treated. You probably have some patches that need fixing from the dog peeing everywhere. You don’t have to go for the full 30,000 visits that the lawn company tries to get you to sign up for, just get the one. When the lawn guy leaves, ask for some of the additional “Chemicals On Grass” signs that they put up. Line these near the areas where you neighbor will most likely try to enter your yard. And if you are really like me, you cannot even afford to get the first lawn treatment so I would suggest borrowing the little signs from you neighbors who can.
Next, you’ll want to invest in the industrial sized containers of cayenne pepper and black pepper. During a dry evening, sprinkle a three foot path of this up and down your property line. The dog will take one sniff and avoid the area. You’ll need to reapply the powders after five days or a heavy rain. You should only need to do this for 10 – 15 days and the dog will learn to avoid that area. I'd suggest timing this with the chemical sign installation.
Last, if you think he is peeking in your windows, install a few motion sensitive lights. If that is out of your price range, an empty gray box mounted on the eves can also do the trick if he thinks there is a security camera inside. When you do see your neighbor, mention how someone has been sneaking around your house and that you have taken measures to defend your home. When he asks what measures, say you had to sign a confidentiality agreement with the security company and you can't discuss it.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your neighbor!!
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS And if that does not work, I suggest that once a week, you eat three cans of corn and one cup of peanuts for breakfast. Then at midnight, shit in your neighbor’s lawn. When you do see him, comment on how much you love corn. And peanuts. He’ll get the point.
Google Wave for an Ask HolyJuan
Are you interested in a Google Wave invite?
Send me a good "Ask HolyJuan" questions and I will send one off to you.
I've got five invites, so the first five questions I accept will get the invites.
Thanks for playing.
holyjuan@gmail.com
Send me a good "Ask HolyJuan" questions and I will send one off to you.
I've got five invites, so the first five questions I accept will get the invites.
Thanks for playing.
holyjuan@gmail.com
Archived HolyJuan Stories and Thanks
In January of 2006, I started HolyJuan. It was Lia that said, “You should start a blog,” and I did.
My first story was a work related trip to Chicago and how I ended up spending the night at somewhere that was not my hotel room.
Since that story I’ve created 1,289 posts. Some stories. Some lies. Some rants. Some terrible cartoons. More lies.
Sadly, I am a much better story teller than a webpage person. Many of the wonderful HolyJuan stories are buried deep within the tubes of the internet. Someday, when I am famous and I thank all of you for getting me there, I’ll find a way to make the archives a bit more accessible. Until then I am going to begin dredging some of them up and reposting them at the top of the website. While many might call me lazy for reposting old stuff, I hope a few of you might appreciate some of my dustier memories.
I’d like to thank you for your continued readership. You e-mails and comments let me know that you all love me almost as much as I love myself. I’m always accessible by e-mail at holyjuan@gmail.com. I usually reply within a few days. Some of my best posts are Ask HolyJuan e-mails. Try me sometime.
Thanks again.
HolyJuan
My first story was a work related trip to Chicago and how I ended up spending the night at somewhere that was not my hotel room.
Since that story I’ve created 1,289 posts. Some stories. Some lies. Some rants. Some terrible cartoons. More lies.
Sadly, I am a much better story teller than a webpage person. Many of the wonderful HolyJuan stories are buried deep within the tubes of the internet. Someday, when I am famous and I thank all of you for getting me there, I’ll find a way to make the archives a bit more accessible. Until then I am going to begin dredging some of them up and reposting them at the top of the website. While many might call me lazy for reposting old stuff, I hope a few of you might appreciate some of my dustier memories.
I’d like to thank you for your continued readership. You e-mails and comments let me know that you all love me almost as much as I love myself. I’m always accessible by e-mail at holyjuan@gmail.com. I usually reply within a few days. Some of my best posts are Ask HolyJuan e-mails. Try me sometime.
Thanks again.
HolyJuan
Ask HolyJuan: A Drunken Friend
Dear HolyJuan,
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
I’d like to continue on the topic of getting laid as initiated by Marcie.
I went out drinking this past weekend. I was about to leave the bar when I spotted a chick that I knew. I stopped by her barstool and found that she was really drunk. I had been sporting a crush on this chick for some time, and decided to sit next to her.
After a little conversation, this chick basically threw herself at me. We made out for a while and she told me that she wanted me.
I was planning on taking her home when she slurred, “I love you Scott. I really do.”
I sat back while she kissed me and thought, “This is just too easy.”
After I made sure this chick had secured a ride home from one of her friends, I went home alone.
So HolyJuan, does this unusual moment of conscience on my part signal a new age of maturity and respect for others?, or is it an early sign of gayness? I trust your judgment implicitly. Please advise.
Best Regards,
Sleepy Scott
Dear Sleepy Scott,
This act of honor, thoughtfulness and chivalry is not within my capabilities to judge nor of which to make light. On my best day, I would have taken advantage of this drunken lady in two or three of her rum infused orifices. In my bestselling book, “Get Drunk, Get Wet, Sneak Out,” I describe this as the holy trinity of hook up situations: drunk friend, the barstool make-out and the “I love you” line. Maybe, at best, an average guy can get two of these criteria in a five year span at Ohio University. I’ve heard tell of someone getting an “I like you,” but this… this is completely unheard of. And on top of that, you ensure her safe departure.
Sleepy Scott… you honor me with your question, but I cannot answer your query. I can only ask a question of you: When you got home that night, did you cry yourself to sleep masturbating to gay porn or did pop in an old Transformers cartoon VHS tape and rub one out to that you big, no moist dick, wet dreaming, pussy?
Remember, regret is for the morning, not that night.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Oh yeah, and that “trusted friend” who drove your girl home that night… he banged her while your tears dripped on your belly and intermingled with the half-kids that filled your belly button. The light from the television and Optimus Prime’s shiny metal skin would have cast a reddish glow upon your pasty, white, unlaid skin.
Scam Baiting Dating {The FINAL update}
I have jumped back into the ScamBaiting game again. This one is especially good because it involves a woman or a man pretending to be a woman. Let’s see how Alicia and Juan strike up a beautiful and loving relationship.
I have gone through a pruned out the bullshit to clean this up a little as it was getting a bit long. You'll note the {bullshit} tag in these areas.
{Author's notes are bolded and in brackets}
--------------dashes separate the letters---------------------
from Alicia Harry
date Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Hello
Hello
My name is Alicia,i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and if you dont mind i will like you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is my email address believe we can move from here!I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.Alicia.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter even our age difrent because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you,
-------------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Harry alicia181810@yahoo. com
date Mon, Jun 21, 2008 at 8:11 PM
subject Re. Hello
Alicia!
So good to hear from you! I am surprised that you have contacted me as I have been without a wife for three years now. Even with all our money I was unable to save her...
But enough of the sad! So good that you contacted me. How did you hear of me?
Please let me know what you want to talk about. I do not care about looks, just good conversation.
Thanks,
Juan
{Somehow, Alicia’s last name and e-mail have changed.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail ,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you.
I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here and after reading your profile ,I am Miss Alicia, 24 years old girl from Liberia,the only daughter of Late Mr Fred Camara the deputy minister …
I am beginning to build some kind of trust on you and after i have finish reading your last mail to me,i want to confide fully in you, it can only be achieved by constant communication which we have just started right now but i am pleading that you should assist me to develop phone conversation and constant E-mail because they don't allow us to make foreign calls in camp,but through the phone i have given you we can receive freely.i want to be rest assure that your serious if only you will show your seriousness and a kind of sincerity to me by giving me your full contact as it's listed below to enable me be rest assured in you .
Your phone number.....
Your home contact address...
Your residence country......
Your age..........................
Your occupetion................
and also tell me more about yourself so that we can flow along.
Note: that this issue is 100% genuine and risk free, please do not forget to get back to me with all i need from you to enable us confide on each other gradually and next to the this mail will be the contact of the Firm were the money is being deposited by my late father in my name as a next of kings to it ,watin to hear from you soon.
Love & care from,
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 8:21 PM
subject Re: Hello
Alicia,
What a terrible life you have had! I wish I could make all step mothers go away, but then, if we get married, you will be my children's stepmother!
I have the finances to help you leave your country, but I need to know a few things about you, too. My wife, God bless her soul, was a great cook and a comforting lover. I will need to know that you can satisfy my wants and needs.
Please let me know the following:
1. Can you cook?
2. Can you wash clothes?
3. Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
4. Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
5. Can you watch children?
Here are the answers you needed from me:
Your phone number..... 702-520-1131 {A sales call we got last week}
Your home contact address... 2855 West Dublin Grandville. Road. Columbus, OH 43235 {The Columbus Police Department}
Your residence country...... United States
Your age.......................... 52
Your occupetion................ Inventor, Salesman, Lover, Dreamer
As part of this deal, I will require 50% of all profits. I will allow you to continue school, but you must wear full length dresses and a veil. (I do not want to pay for you to come here and then have some 20 year old boy steal you from me.) You will cook and clean and every second night we will have sexual relations in the mouth and in your backside. At first it will hurt, but you will get used to it. On every third night, we will dress up and play, "Cannonball of Love."
Please do not be afraid to ask about the details of sex. If you are not comfortable with this, then we will have to break off this relationship.
Again, I do have the money to bring you to the United States, but only if we can work out an agreement. In time you will grow to love me.
My dearest love to you,
Juan Stein
PS You photo is very very pretty and you are beautiful! I have attached my photo.
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 12:04 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
i saw you mail am so happy with you Honey about your question is a good one believe me honey i will do more than you think as for your baby he will also be my baby too. also i can cook and do any domestic works at home time with out number .
may God be with you .
I really appreciate your concern, and i will like you to start by contacting the bank here first and find out the possibility of transfering this fund to your position.I have decided to trust my whole life in your hand and hope that you will not betray the trust. Please dont tell anybody about this matter ok, promise me that you will not let anybody to know about this matter for my safety ok.
I believe in my heart that your help to me will bring something good to you, and i assure you that if God will use you to help me out of this situation, i will never forget you in my life.
Bellow here is the contact of the bank.
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.......... +221 777 848 961
Please send email to the Bank, When you get them, you tell them that you are calling unbehalf of the fund of Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578,.My prayer is for God to grant me my pussuance and by the grace of God he will surely see
us through.
.
i love you.
God bless you,
Yours lovely.
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 9:01 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
God bless you too deary, but even the lord needs a good roll in the sack... I need some more detail of the questions I asked.
Yeah yeah yeah, you can take care of kids, what I really want to know is if you can MAKE kids. I need three or four of the little guys running around.
Please answer my questions from earlier and then I will contact the bank. What name should I use when I contact the bank?
Answer these questions:
Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
Can you MAKE children?
You're on a mission and your wishin someone could cure your lonely condition. Lookin for love in all the wrongplaces no fine girls just ugly faces. Some frustration first inclination Is to become a monk and leave the situation, but every dark tunnel has a light of hope so don't hang yourself, with a celibate rope.
I look forward to your answers! What is a good time to call the bank?
In his holiness name of the Lord and such...
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:24 AM
Hello Honey
How are you to day hope this email will reach to you in good condition of health?
Dearest i am so happy when i read your mail to day concern the Questions which you ask me,
1)i can take every good care of kids,
2)i will make kids with you if you want,
3)i will give you as much as kids you want
4)i want you to contact the bank with my name and let them to know that you are my partner,
5)i will lie on bed any time you want,
6)Honey contact the bank to day with they email or phone number like i said,
However,Honey please try to help me transfer the money in to your account and don't forget to let me know when ever you contact the bank and you have to contact them today like i said because they will be waiting to hear from you because i told them about you that you will contact them by your self so please contact them to day,i will be waiting to hear from you soon as you get in contact with bank.
Alicia
{My letter to the "bank."}
from HolyJuan
to Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
date Wed, Jun 25, 2008 at 8:43 AMsubject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578.mailed-by gmail.com
Hello,
I am contacting you concerning Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578
But before we discuss this, I need to know a little bit about Miss. Alicia Camara. She is going to move to the United States to be my wife but I MUST know if she is a virgin or if she has been with men. I saw her photo, but you know how photos can be. Is she beautiful or will I need to buy more paper bags?
When she gets to the states, I am going to violate her in every room of my house (and my house has 22 rooms!) She has told me that I can make love in her butt!
I plan on sending her some money, but I will not unless you can help me determine if this is a scam or if she is not as "boing - boing" and "hot potato" as she says she is.
Please help and God be praised,
Juan Stein
{The "bank" replies.}
from bis bank to HolyJuan
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 10:55 AM subject ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/PROCEDURE
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Bank dircetor..... Alhaji L.E.Kazeem
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.........+221 777 848 961
FRENCH/ENGLISH/PUBLIC REPORTS ON COUNTRY:
ATTENTION: SIR
DATE 26-06-08
DEAR SIR.
THIS IS REFFERENCE TO YOUR REQUEST THROUGH YOUR EMAIL FOR
THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEPOSITED FUND OF
($4.850.000USD ONLY) IN OUR BANK, WILLED TO (HER DAUGTHER) ALICIA.
AS FOR YOUR QUECTION OVER OUR LATE COSTUMER DAUGHTER MR FRED CAMARA DAUGHTER MISS ALICIA SHE IS A GOOD GIRL I NOW HER FAMILY WELL BEFORE THE INSIDENT OF THE FAMILY SO IS POSSIBLE FOR HER TO BE A VIRGIN SHE IS NOT A SCAMMER .GO AHEAD AND DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO HELP HER TRANSFER HER LATE FATHER FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.
.
BASED ON YOUR REQUEST, WE HAVE CROSS-CHECKED THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM YOU BY OUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, THE DEPOSITOR\'S ACCOUNT BALANCE IS FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR ONLY ($4.850.000USD).
{bullshit}
{bullshit request for information which you'll see below}
WE SINCERELY APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVINENCES, AND WE PROMISE TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE BEST OF OUR QUALITY BANKING SERVICES.
THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY
ALHAJI L.E.KAZEEM
(MD) OF BIS BANK
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 8:18 PM
subject Re: ALICIA
Hello sweet baby chick pie a la mode!
I contacted the bank and the want information I cannot provide! Can you help me find the following information?
1. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DRAFT AN APPLICATION LETTER REQUESTING FOR THE CLOSURE AND TRANSFER OF THE SAID FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
2. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AUTHORITY LETTER (POWER OF ATTORNEY) DULLY SIGNED BY A SENEGALAIS BASED LAWYER AS YOUR WITNESS, MANDATING YOU TO MAKE THIS CLAIMS AND TRANSFER ON THE NEXT OF KIN'S BEHALF.
3. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A COPY OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEATH CERTIFICATE, ISSUED BY A PUBLIC/GENERAL HOSPITAL CONFIRMING HIS DEATH.
4. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AFFIDAVIT OF OATH FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT IN DAKAR SENEGAL, SINCE THE NEXT OF KIN IS RESIDING IN SENEGAL .
5. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT OF SENEGAL.
6.YOU SHOULD PRESENT THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE ACCOUNT HOLDER (MR FRED CAMARA)
What should I do? Oh sweet goatse! How will I ever get all this paperwork!
Please help! I miss you so badly. I can almost feel you in my arms.
I love you so much!
Love
Juan
from Alicia Camara alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 11:42 AM
Good Day Honey
I thank you very much for the notification of the reply you received from the BANK I greatly appreciate the love that you are filling into my empty life, Indeed it is natural and nothing can turn us apart, I hope to come to your place soon as possibily . your sweet confident mails close to me, I have been thinking the way to solve this matter perfectly and I have got the solution. I am very happy to recieve from you the response from the BANK, I thank God for everything,I really appreciate your care and your concern and I know God will surely see us through. According to the BANK request, After reading the message you received from the BANK I understand that they required a backing documents seal and sign with a Senegalis Base Lawyer,
1) Firstly I have the Death Certificate of my late father with me here. which I will attach it and send it to you now as the BANK requested from you. What you have to do is to contact this Lawyer for him to help us and get the power of Attorney please,
2) Since you can't come here in person I have been thinking that we will need the services of a lawyer here who will represent us at the federal high court here in Senegal to get the affidavite of oath and support, the lawyer will also help us to prepare the power of attorney on our behalf.
This lawyer will help us to get the item which is the power of attorney and the affidavite of oath and the lawyer will also draft the transfer application for us and support from the federal high court here in Senegal.
Please keep this matter strictly confidential, I can always trust you, Because I don't want my step mother or any of my relatives to know about this on any account, as you can see that we are almost at the end of this matter, God will help us.
Now there is no need for us to keep waiting since the BANK are ready to make this transfer once the documents are ready, I have ask the Rev.Father here and he gave me a contact of a good indiginal lawyer here in SENEGAL who will help us to get this documents without wasting much time, Bellow here is the lawyer contact The Rev.Father gave me;
Barrister Ashman Chambers Association
Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada
President, Ashman Duke Law Chambers Senegal.
19, Rue Abdoul Karim Bourgi X Wagane Diouf B.P. 1976, Dakar, Senegal. , Dakar , Senegal ,00221
Phone No.: +221 768 788 006
Personal Email Contact : ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Please, I will like you to make contact with this law firm immediately and ask him to help us to get those needed document for us? Send the letter you received from the BANK to the lawyer immediately for his more understanding on what he need to do, Thank you for your concern, always put me in your daily prayers.
with love and kisssss
Best Regard
Alicia
{The photos she sent were actually links and I'm not clicking on any links. Let's drop some new information on her and see if our relationship is strong enough to survive!}
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Oh dear! As my loins throb and ache, I must tell you that I cannot download the files you sent! I click on the file and nothing happens! Oh I am so upset! Can you please re-send them?
I must also tell you something that I have been hiding from you. I am not ashamed of it, but I must share this with you before you come and be my wife of love and the anal sex.
I am deaf. I cannot hear out of my left ear and my right ear is 120% deaf.
I KNOW WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. I should have told you at first, but I was scared you would not keep talking to me.
If you are ashamed of me, do not bother replying back. I will weep and the tears will burn down my orifices. Oh the melody!
But if you still love me, then we will make this work. I can teach you sign language or I can learn to write in whatever gibberish you speak.
WE CAN BE OF THE LOVE!
Please let me know your decision sweet, moist love.
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 10:24 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Hello Honey
i saw your mail this afternoon i became so happy to hear from you. as for what you said i coming to you is the will of God and for the love i have for you .what you will know now . that is not problem to me i want you to be my husband i will be under you i have not being having any contact with any man before. that is why i need a partner of my life that will help me out of this situation
So honey go ahead and contact the lawyer for me to know when the transfer will be after that i will be coming to meet you face to face .
Honey contact him immediately ok.the attachment is the document.
I love Honey may Good bless you for me and greet my little baby for me ok.
Alicia
{The photos she attached. I like the last one best!}
Her photo ID from the refugee camp. The photo is oddly similar to the
first one she sent.
Death certificate. Click to enlarge and get a good laugh.
Flowers from my love!
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
I will e-mail him today.
I am fixing up a room for you in my home!! Because of some trauma I suffered in my youth at camp, I tend to thrash around in bed so you will be required to sleep in a separate room. It took me a while to acquire all the leather straps and iron bars, but I think with your womanly touch, you will able to make this room your own. Hopefully you don;t mind not having windows. There is a bulb hanging from the ceiling that will suffice. Besides, sunlight will make your skin dry and I need you to be un-cancerous.
Love you in Gods name and his belt buckle,
Juan
{My letter to the lawyer, Barrister Ashman.}
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 8:23 PM
subject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia
Hello Barrister Assman,
Hello and fine welcome. My name is Juan Stein of these United States. It is good to speak with such a educated person such as yourself. I, too, am educamted in several languages and maths. Sadly, an accident has taken away my hearing and I cannot hear so I am unable to speak the languages I cannot hear because I have lost my hearing. I'm sure you know the feeling.
I have some items I need you to review. I am working in tandem to retrieve some monies for my fiancée and wife to be, Alicia Camara, late daughter of the late Mr. Fred Camara. I have take it upon myself to help this young, virginal lady with regaining her finances as well as preparing a home for her here in the United States of America. When she gets here, oh boy the ass rapings will commence!
I have attached some paperwork to help these proceedings. I am also hoping I can retain your legal counsel to attain the proper paper work so that Alicia can come to the United States as soon as possible. My burning chode can wit no longer for her love.
Please let me know the costs associated with gaining her a passport and visa. I know these can be expensive and I do not care what lengths and breasts you have to go to. Even if it requires some "quote" paperwork under the table, do what you must to get her here!!
I have listed some of the requirements below. I've been to hell and back to get this paperwork and I can stand for you screwing this up. Please note the six items below as well as the attachments I am sending you.
Please let me know if you can help or if I have to find another law guy to help me.
Thank you Assman,
Juan Stein
---------------------------------------------
{A letter from Alicia after I told her I would contact the lawyer.}
Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 8:55 AM
subject I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Hello Honey
Good Afternoon Honey
How is life over there i hope you are ok.
i saw your mail this afternoon sorry for my late reply is because of my condition here in the camp. i hard what you said infact i am so much happy for you infact Honey i can do with out you
Honey try your best to contact the lawyer as you said i can wet any more to see your face to face..
Honey please do everything fast i will like to be with you today or tomorrow ok.watin to hear a good news from you.
HONEY I LOVE YOU
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:36 PM
subject Re: I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Oh my sweet num num num, it is so good that you have not thrown me in the bushes because of my hearing problem. A man with out ears in the united states is as good as a bike without a baseball hat in Africa.
I have contacted the lawyer. I want you to know that I am talking to them about getting you a passport and a visa so that you can come to my house in the United States. The cost for the money transfer is reasonable and I want to make sure that the cost for your passport and transportation will not blow a load in my sock.
Once the lawyer guy tells my how to get you here, then we are 50% of the halfway mark!
Usually I masturbate three to four times a day, but I have not at all since your last message to save up for you!
Let us pray to Jesus and God (Oh God Let the trip and travels of Alicia be of short and hurried manner. Let the carry on baggage be free of 7oz containers and sharp objects. May her flight not be delayed and may she land on time. OH GOD! In your mercy, let the Taxi be swift and the tip be modest so that my sweet sweet Alicia may arrive into her cell and holding area. May the leather straps not chaff her skin. Dear God in heaven next to her sweet departed father who's internal organs did bleed in your name.
In your name lubricate,
Amen.)
Once the lawyer gives me the jive, you just hang loose blood and she be back on the rebound with the medicide.
LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH,
Juan
---------------------------------------------------
{Here is the correspondence with the lawyer.}
Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:35 AM
YOUR REQUEST SIR
Attention: Juan
Ref: CSS/LMU/T/ 08
Date ; 30/06/08
In accordance to the request of your mail contacting us on the issue of helping you to procure the necessary documents required by the BANK to make your claims of the Fund to your residence country,we are happy and highly honoured and promise to assist and represent you in all assigns.The affidavit of support will first be obtained from the federal High Court here in Senegal which i will sworn in your favor and as soon as this is ready, we will proceed immediately to draft the Power of Attorney which will be dully signed by the next of kin to the Fund and witness by me also notarized by the federal High court. To Process the documents we need the following information from you:
(1) Your full name and your address as you will like it to appear in the documents
(2) Your reachable telephone and fax number.
(3) Scan copy of your international passport pages that contain your full information OR your driving license
It's mandatory that you sumite the require fees before we carry on your service, to enable us settle with some of the offices at the Federal High Court here in Senegal, The cost of obtaining the documents Excluding our service fees is $2,250 Dollars (Two Thousand Two hundred and fifty Dollars Only) Included in fees are:
1: Consultation/Mobilization
2: Opening of File Case
3: Drafting of the Power of Attorney
4: Sworning of Affidavit of Oath
5: Notarization and Endorsement
Note,Upon the receipt of the fees and the information,we shall proceed immediately and process the documents which will take us 2 working days to complete.Pls feel free to contact the president of our chamber Barrister Ashman on his direct phone line (+221 768 788 006) for any questions.On hearing from you,we shall provide you details for you to make the payment.
Our Regards Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada,
President Ashman Law Chambers Senegal,
--------------------------------------------------------
From HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:39 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mrs Jane Okada,
Thank you for your reply. I am also in need of the costs for bringing Alicia to these United States. Can you breakdown the following costs:
1. passport fees
2. visa fees
3. transportation fees
4. virginity certification
5. extra baggage fees
6. vaccinations
Please let me know these costs to combine with the access to the money of her late father.
In Jesus name,
Juan Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan date Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:51 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR REQUEST I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU SIR .BUT PLEASE YOU WILL GIVE ME SOME HOURS SO THAT I WILL GO TO EMBASSY AND DO THE INQUIRIES THEN I WILL GET BACK TO YOU OK.
ASHMANDUKE
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
HolyJuan
Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:55 AM
HELLO MR JUAN.
I HAVE GOT THE INFORMATIONS ABOUT HER TRAVELING DOCUMENTS THIS IS THE COST OF EVERYTHING.
1. passport fee---------$250
2. visa fee----------------$450
3. transportation fee-$150
4. virginity certification$400
5. extra baggage fee--$370
6. vaccination fee-------------$270
7.missionally fee---------$550
TOTAL COSTS ------ $2,440 dollars.
THANKS.
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 2:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Dear Mr. Assman,
These prices are satisfactory.
As you may be well aware, I will be bringing my sweet Alicia to the United States. Like a ship into the tubes of fallopia, I need to ensure that my "package" has not been touched by man. If I find out that she has been violated by man or beast, I shall negate this deal.
I will need the results of the virginity test BY A DOCTOR before I will continue this deal.
Please do not let Alicia know that I have concerns about he purity and virginity, but I do not want a diseased woman to touch my penis and taint.
I will need the results of the virginity test before I will complete this deal.
I am going to tell Alicia that everything is ready to go and that she will be having a Doctors test to make sure she is healthy. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE VIRGINITY TEST.
In my next e-mail to her, I will tell her that you are going to have a doctor look to see if she is healthy to come to the United States. Secretly the doctor should check her out and see if she is pure.
If she finds out about the test, this deal is OFF!!
Get a doctor to check her and i will reassure her that the doctor is just checking her blood and health.
Thank you for your understanding,
Juan Stein
----------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 5:57 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND YOUR FAMILY, SIR WE RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE I WENT TO THE CAMP TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER ALICIA TO LAB. AS YOU REQUEST FROM ME.
SIR IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THE SECURITY IN THE CAMP,BUT I SPOKE WITH THE REV. FATHER IN THE CAMP ASKING HIM ABOUT ALICIA HI SAID A LOT ABOUT HER AND ALSO THEY HAVE HOSPITAL INSIDE THE CAMP BECAUSE THE CAMP IS UNDER MISSIONARY CONTROL, THE REV. SAID SOMETHING THAT SUPRISE ME ABOUT YOUR PARTNER ALICIA .THAT SHE MADE A VAIL BEFORE GOD THAT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY MAN TILL SHE MEET HER LIFE PARTNER.
SO MR JUAN ,YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND, SIR DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEND THE MONEY TO GET THE PEPPERS WORK FOR THE TRANSFER OK .IF I WILL ADVISE YOU DO WHAT EVER YOU ARE DOING FAST SO THAT YOU WILL NOT LOSS HER OK.
WE TIN TO HEAR FROM AND HOW TO SEND THE MONEY OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:43 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Listen here Assman,
I need a certificate of virginity. I will not bring a woman over here unless I have one. The last eight women I have brought over all had certificates of virginity, signed by a doctor. Sadly, all those undocumented women died in very tragic accidents and now I need a new one and my sweet love Alicia is that woman.
Perhaps there is another lawyer in that squalor town you live in that can get me a certificate and I will have to go through them like a peanut butter sandwich with extra mayo, eh companion?
Get slapping on that certificate or I will seek other representation.
Speaking of payment, do you use direct deposit or does the money need to be in an international cheque or perhaps a barron's bond? I have sent money in the form of both wire transfer and gold bullion. Please let me know what you prefer.
In your honor and such,
Juan
--------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:21 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THIS YOUR REQUEST HAS GETTING MORE THAN REQUIRED ,LISTEN MR JUAN ,I AM A BARRISTER NOT A DOCTOR THIS YOUR REQUEST IS NOT MY DUTY OK.MY DUTY IS TO HELP YOU PREPARE DOCUMENT FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND YOU ASK OF .PLEASE IF YOU NEED ANY ORDER HELP FROM ME FILL FREE TO CONTACT ME OK.FOR YOUR PARTNER ALICIA IS NOT POSSIBLE TO WALK INTO THE WOMEN CAMP AND ASK HER OUT IS IMPOSSIBLE OK
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------
{You're fired!}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 9:56 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thank you for your service.
I will be seeking the aid of another barrister who actually knows what he is doing.
I'm sure I can find SOMEONE who can get a simple virginity certificate.
Epic fail.
Juan
-------------------------------------------------
{Here is a side conversation that I have had with Alicia during the lawyer conversation. MORE REVELATIONS! What you cannot see here is that "Alicia" keeps attaching photos of flowers to her e-mails... I think it's love.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:43 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Sweet Heart
i saw your mail,thanks for your concern about my health.
Honey we have our private hospital we do text every month because the camp is under missionary and the security in the camp is too much .so Honey don,t worry about that .my problem is for you to settle with the lawyer as you promise me ok.as for me i make a Vail with God that man can not see my private part till i get married with my partner and also God is helping me no matter the condition i find my self ok.i will like to hear a good news from you about the lawyer today and tomorrow ok.
I love Honey
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Sweet love meat Alicia!
Please do not let anyone worry you. I am working with the lawyer. He is going to have a doctor check you out to make sure you are not sick.
I cannot have you sick if you are going to come over to the United States. You must be healthy to make it through the Trials of Mordor that I have planned for you. I have stocked the pantry with 80 pounds of peanut butter!
Ihope you are not alergic!
Your husband to be,
Juan
------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:44 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello honey
i saw your mail this morning ,i am not happy with you OK.after my prayer yesterday night God show me some thing ,i come to understand that you are hidden some secret thing for me after giving you my heart with trust,i trust you with my heart but you don,t care ,what you care for is if am with sickness ,did i look like someone with sickness? as i can see you want to break my heart .Honey please tell me your mind consigned me OK.if you are ready to help me out, after my yesterday mail to you,is because you don't love or trust me the way i do to you every day you tell me that you are working thing out with lawyer as some one you love you can not forward me any mail from the lawyer for me to know true you are working with him ok ,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.
with love
Alicia
------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have been lying to you. I am sorry.
I tried to have the Barrister run a virginity authenication test on you to make sure you have not been with a man in the bed of sex before.
The barrister has quit the job and we will need to find a new one. I am sorry to cause this trouble for you.
Can you please locate another Barrister? And please find one that will take a wire transfer of funds. I do not want to send a check or cash. Western Union is best but I will take any other trustful wire service.
I am sorry I lied to you. Of course you are clean. I just wanted to make sure you have not lain with man or beast before i penetrate you with my throbbing rod of man muscle.
I too have prayed to God and he said that I need to get you out of the camp and bring you back to the United States so that I can violate his sacred veil that is wrapped around your groin. God also said to use corn on the cob with you as well. Who am I to doubt the word of God and his sweet buttery goodness?
All my love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:02 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Good evening Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail but i can,t understand you well .
please Honey can you please tell me what the lawyer did to you,as you can understand, our Rev.give me the contact of the lawyer.so before we look for another one i will tell the Rev.what the lawyer hi give me his contact did to my sweet heart,Honey as you can see i am not a free person for now. so that i will ask him to look for another lawyer ok.i will like to stop there till i hear from you ok.
Olive you with my heart ,honey please try to do everything fast ok.when the money will be transfered into your account in usa ,and also i will be your life the money will be your and me alone.
thank
Alicia
-------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have another secret to share with you. Please, if you can see it in God's name, do not leave me. If you can keep this secret, I will get the old lawyer back.
I am a gay man. A homosexual. I'm not sure what you call them in you language... perhaps a trough slurper or dark path weiner sniffer. Maybe you might refer to me as a long dong cat stuffing harlot from Kansas City. Either way, I am a man who loves other men.
the reason I need you is so that I can hide my faggotry from others. If my friends and co-workers find out I am gay... it is all over Johnny.
Please... can you find it in your heart to still come and live with me and pretend to be my wife. I will still love you in your buttocks, but only as a man would love another man.
Please tell Mr. Assman the lawyer that I am very sorry and that I will contact him again if you will promise to keep my secret a secret promise.
Promise?
Love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 10:19 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail,is OK i understand you but everything is in your hand.as for me i will do anything for your seck,i promise you i will keep the secret for the love i have on you.but i don't know your plan over me,Honey you always telling me that you will settle the lawyer as you said .Honey if Lilly you care for me write to the lawyer now and send him what he need from us to start the job today,tomorrow ,i want to come over to USA anytime from now ok.if you Lilly love me the why i do to you .my Rev. said that the lawyer is a good man and he have mouth in the government, so Honey contact him and know how to settle with him ok..i will stop here till i hear from you ok
i will always love you .
Alicia
-----------------------------------------------------------------
{Let's see if I can get the lawyer back on board.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 11:20 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I owe you an apology.
I know you were unable to come up with a Virginity Certificate for Alicia and I am sorry that I told you to go shove a mini-van up your ass. I should have thought that out.
Let's start over...
What information do you need from me so that we can proceed with the money transfer for Alicia? As a gay man, I feel obligated to help this poor girl.
We also need to get the travel arrangements for Alicia finalized. Can you answer the following questions:
1. What airport will she be flying out of?
2. How many bags?
3. Does she need to fly first class?
Thank you,
Juan Stein
--------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 3:35 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,WE ARE SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPEN LAST TIME ,WE LILLY APOLOGIES OK. AS FOR YOUR QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PARTNER TRAVELING ALICIA ,NO PROBLEM ABOUT THAT SHE WILL COME TO USA WITH A NURF LUGGAGE'S OK ,SHE WILL USE FIRST CLASS AND SHE WILL FLY WITH AIR FRANCE OK.
the following are the information you need to send the money by western union
Name: Mrs.Jane Okada
Address: Unit 22 Medina, Dakar Senegal.
Then forward me this 3 information so that i can cash the money over here as soon as you transfer the money.
1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender.
I shall get back to you as soon as i receive the money.
Regard mrs.Jane Okada
-----------------------------------------
{Let's see how Assman likes my math.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 5:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I am very sorry for all the trouble I caused and will put in an additional $50 as a special reward for your services. Please use this money to buy a shirt or a pair of socks. I would also suggest Enron stock as well as Bears Sterns.
The original amount was $2,250 to release the funds
The costs for travel etc was $2,440
My tip to you is $50
For a total of $4,740
When I convert your Senegal Dollars to American US dollars I get $11.13
{4,740 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 11.13 US Dollar (USD) }
Please make sure this number is correct and get back to me post haste!
Thank you Assman,
Signed,
HolyJuan
----------------------------------------------------------
{Assman reveals that the $5,000 was to be in US currency, not his local chits.}
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:42 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
I SAW YOUR MAIL,SORRY FOR LATE REPLY .AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT THE MONEY FOR THE PEPPERS WILL COST $2,250 US DOLLARS AND OTHER MONEY FOR THE TRAVELING OF YOUR PARTNER ALICIA WILL COST $2,440 US DOLLARS,SO THE TOTAL MONEY WILL COST...$4,690 US DOLLARS.I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND ME BETTER OK.NOW YOU CAN SEND IT TRUE WESTERN UNION OK AND SEND THE INFORMATION TO ME ,SO THAT I WILL START THE WORK IMMEDIATELY.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 1:11 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mr. Ashman,
$4,690 US Dollars? I had no idea!!!!!!
That is a lot of money.
So far your services have been good, but if I am to pay that much, I will need the Certificate of Virginity as you originally priced out for me.
I am going to set up the account with Western Union, but I WILL NOT SEND YOU A SINGLE AMERICAN WET DOLLAR until you show me a photo or a scan of the Virginity Certificate. I don't care if a doctor or the Rev. signs a piece of paper, but I need something that is scanned or a photo NOT AN E-MAIL.
If you cannot do this, then there is NO TRUST.
Juan
I AM VERY UPSET.
-----------------------------------
{Assman tries to squeeze a drop out of Juan.}
From Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO JUAN
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REQUEST IS BECAUSE I AM A BUSY MAN OK. WHAT YOU WILL DO KNOW IS TO SEND $200 US DOLLAR SO THAT BUY TOMORROW I WILL MAKE OUT TIME TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR VIRGINAL TEST OK.I WILL CALL THE REV.TO REALIZE HER FOR ME OK. AS YOU CAN SEE IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR I TO USE MY MONEY FOR THE TEST OF YOUR PARTNER, OR YOU SEND THE MONEY TO YOUR PARTNER .IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME AS YOU SAID OK.I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE BEST SERVICE AS YOU CAN OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
-----------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:51 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Reply
I may be gay.
I may be deaf.
But I am NOT stupid.
Everyone knows that first the virginity test is given and THEN payment is made. I will include the $200 with the rest of the payment.
If you wish, I will break the payments down into two separate payments so that it is easier to make the transaction, but I will not pay any money until I get a photo or a scan of the virginity test.
I am very tired of all this. You are not helping me and your are not helping yourself.
Get me a scan or a photo of the test and then you will get your monies via Western Union.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE ASSMAN. DO NOT MAKE ME ANGRY. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I AM ANGRY.
JUAN
-------------------------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, Juan continues his relationship with Alicia.}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:09 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello my love,
Do you think it strange that I still love you even though I am a deaf, gay man? Over these past few weeks, I have grown to love you more and more.
I am working out the details with the lawyer. He is setting me up with Western Union to send the money.
You are going to fly out of the country First class on Air France. I hope they can get the paper work together quickly.
I will see you in my dreams,
Juan
------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 2:11 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Dream Heart
i am always see you in my dreams,Honey thanks for your mail and also sorry for my late reply Honey i am happy for you,i will like to hear a good news from you tomorrow that you have settle everything with the lawyer and ask me to be ready for traveling ok.
Honey i don't think you will ever love me the way i always dream of you,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.bye my love.
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
{An original poem from Juan. Can anyone guess where it is from?}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 4:06 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I have written you an original poem, straight from my heart. I hope you like it:
You should've been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should've been gone
After all your words of steel
Oh, I must've been a dreamer
And I must've been someone else
And we should've been over
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, I want to let go
You'll go on hurtin' me
You'd be better off alone
If I'm not who you thought I'd be
But you know that there's a fever
Oh, that you'll never find nowhere else
Can't you feel it burnin'
On-and-on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia
Oh, Alicia
But I should've been gone
Long ago, far away
And you should've been gone
Now I know you'd lie
You'll stay
{Instrumental}
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Hold on
Oh, Alicia
------------------------------------------------
{Oh no! Alicia has found out about my demand for the virginity test!}
from Alicia Camara
reply-to alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:38 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
thanks for your mail.
our Rev.ask me this morning to go for virginity text with the lawyer,they have finish with the text but they did not tell me any thing about it.i want to know if you are away of this text.
i am some how con fuss,Honey please i want you to tell me your mind open about me .i don't know if you want to help me transfer my late father fund to USA or not, this money is my life.since ever i fund you i build all my trust on you, everyday you promise that you will settle with the lawyer .if you don't Lilly want to help me out of this condition open up and tell me so that i know what to do.upon you know my condition here you never any day said my love take this for your soap and cream as for me i trust my self,when ever the fund transferred to your account you will first take all your expenses and your percentage and your will still invest with the lest of the fund ok.please honey if you love me settle the lawyer so that i will come over ok.i will stop here till i hear from you.
with love
Alicia
--------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:23 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I will not respond to you again unless you take the test.
Take the virgingity test now! The Rev can give you the test. Have the barrister return the scan or a photo of the results to me.
Take the test.
Why are you scared? Have you been with a brown cow or a brown chicken? Brown chicken brown cow.
Take the test and have the barrister return the results to me by photo or scan.
Otherwise, no money.
NO MONEY!
NO MONEY!
I love you with all my heart!
Juan
------------------------------------
{I decided to set up a sting to find out where Assman was coming from. I posted a fake page on my site about the Western Union transaction. I e-mailed him the link and he took the bait.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:30 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Here is the link to the question and the answer for the Wester Union money.
http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/07/question-and-answer-for-western-union.html
Let me know if you are able to read it.
Juan
{Here's where the IP address was coming from.}
--------------------------------------------------------------
{Well, Assman and Alicia are done. Juan's deaf, gay heart is broken. I send him/them a final letter.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 11:07 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thanks for the fun my friend!
Good luck with trying to get money from other people.
Just remember that then next person you e-mail will probably be me.
Tell "Alicia" I said hi!
Thanks!
HolyJuan
{As a final act of love, Assman added me to his FeedBurner, so I hope and pray he's reading this right now!}
I have gone through a pruned out the bullshit to clean this up a little as it was getting a bit long. You'll note the {bullshit} tag in these areas.
{Author's notes are bolded and in brackets}
--------------dashes separate the letters---------------------
from Alicia Harry
date Sat, Jun 21, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Hello
Hello
My name is Alicia,i saw your profile today and became intrested in you,i will also like to know you the more,and if you dont mind i will like you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.Here is my email address believe we can move from here!I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.Alicia.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter even our age difrent because i have something very IMPORTANT to tell you,
-------------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Harry alicia181810@yahoo. com
date Mon, Jun 21, 2008 at 8:11 PM
subject Re. Hello
Alicia!
So good to hear from you! I am surprised that you have contacted me as I have been without a wife for three years now. Even with all our money I was unable to save her...
But enough of the sad! So good that you contacted me. How did you hear of me?
Please let me know what you want to talk about. I do not care about looks, just good conversation.
Thanks,
Juan
{Somehow, Alicia’s last name and e-mail have changed.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 2:07 PM
Dearest Friend,
Thanks for your mail ,I will really like to have a good relationship with you, and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you.
I decided to contact you because of the urgency of my situation here and after reading your profile ,I am Miss Alicia, 24 years old girl from Liberia,the only daughter of Late Mr Fred Camara the deputy minister …
I am beginning to build some kind of trust on you and after i have finish reading your last mail to me,i want to confide fully in you, it can only be achieved by constant communication which we have just started right now but i am pleading that you should assist me to develop phone conversation and constant E-mail because they don't allow us to make foreign calls in camp,but through the phone i have given you we can receive freely.i want to be rest assure that your serious if only you will show your seriousness and a kind of sincerity to me by giving me your full contact as it's listed below to enable me be rest assured in you .
Your phone number.....
Your home contact address...
Your residence country......
Your age..........................
Your occupetion................
and also tell me more about yourself so that we can flow along.
Note: that this issue is 100% genuine and risk free, please do not forget to get back to me with all i need from you to enable us confide on each other gradually and next to the this mail will be the contact of the Firm were the money is being deposited by my late father in my name as a next of kings to it ,watin to hear from you soon.
Love & care from,
Alicia
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 22, 2008 at 8:21 PM
subject Re: Hello
Alicia,
What a terrible life you have had! I wish I could make all step mothers go away, but then, if we get married, you will be my children's stepmother!
I have the finances to help you leave your country, but I need to know a few things about you, too. My wife, God bless her soul, was a great cook and a comforting lover. I will need to know that you can satisfy my wants and needs.
Please let me know the following:
1. Can you cook?
2. Can you wash clothes?
3. Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
4. Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
5. Can you watch children?
Here are the answers you needed from me:
Your phone number..... 702-520-1131 {A sales call we got last week}
Your home contact address... 2855 West Dublin Grandville. Road. Columbus, OH 43235 {The Columbus Police Department}
Your residence country...... United States
Your age.......................... 52
Your occupetion................ Inventor, Salesman, Lover, Dreamer
As part of this deal, I will require 50% of all profits. I will allow you to continue school, but you must wear full length dresses and a veil. (I do not want to pay for you to come here and then have some 20 year old boy steal you from me.) You will cook and clean and every second night we will have sexual relations in the mouth and in your backside. At first it will hurt, but you will get used to it. On every third night, we will dress up and play, "Cannonball of Love."
Please do not be afraid to ask about the details of sex. If you are not comfortable with this, then we will have to break off this relationship.
Again, I do have the money to bring you to the United States, but only if we can work out an agreement. In time you will grow to love me.
My dearest love to you,
Juan Stein
PS You photo is very very pretty and you are beautiful! I have attached my photo.
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 12:04 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
i saw you mail am so happy with you Honey about your question is a good one believe me honey i will do more than you think as for your baby he will also be my baby too. also i can cook and do any domestic works at home time with out number .
may God be with you .
I really appreciate your concern, and i will like you to start by contacting the bank here first and find out the possibility of transfering this fund to your position.I have decided to trust my whole life in your hand and hope that you will not betray the trust. Please dont tell anybody about this matter ok, promise me that you will not let anybody to know about this matter for my safety ok.
I believe in my heart that your help to me will bring something good to you, and i assure you that if God will use you to help me out of this situation, i will never forget you in my life.
Bellow here is the contact of the bank.
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.......... +221 777 848 961
Please send email to the Bank, When you get them, you tell them that you are calling unbehalf of the fund of Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578,
us through.
i love you.
God bless you,
Yours lovely.
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 23, 2008 at 9:01 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
God bless you too deary, but even the lord needs a good roll in the sack... I need some more detail of the questions I asked.
Yeah yeah yeah, you can take care of kids, what I really want to know is if you can MAKE kids. I need three or four of the little guys running around.
Please answer my questions from earlier and then I will contact the bank. What name should I use when I contact the bank?
Answer these questions:
Will you lie in bed quite or do you wiggle around and make noise?
Have you ever had a Cleveland Steamer?
Can you MAKE children?
You're on a mission and your wishin someone could cure your lonely condition. Lookin for love in all the wrongplaces no fine girls just ugly faces. Some frustration first inclination Is to become a monk and leave the situation, but every dark tunnel has a light of hope so don't hang yourself, with a celibate rope.
I look forward to your answers! What is a good time to call the bank?
In his holiness name of the Lord and such...
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jun 24, 2008 at 10:24 AM
Hello Honey
How are you to day hope this email will reach to you in good condition of health?
Dearest i am so happy when i read your mail to day concern the Questions which you ask me,
1)i can take every good care of kids,
2)i will make kids with you if you want,
3)i will give you as much as kids you want
4)i want you to contact the bank with my name and let them to know that you are my partner,
5)i will lie on bed any time you want,
6)Honey contact the bank to day with they email or phone number like i said,
However,Honey please try to help me transfer the money in to your account and don't forget to let me know when ever you contact the bank and you have to contact them today like i said because they will be waiting to hear from you because i told them about you that you will contact them by your self so please contact them to day,i will be waiting to hear from you soon as you get in contact with bank.
Alicia
{My letter to the "bank."}
from HolyJuan
to Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
date Wed, Jun 25, 2008 at 8:43 AMsubject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578.mailed-by gmail.com
Hello,
I am contacting you concerning Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia with Ref.. number 101000465578
But before we discuss this, I need to know a little bit about Miss. Alicia Camara. She is going to move to the United States to be my wife but I MUST know if she is a virgin or if she has been with men. I saw her photo, but you know how photos can be. Is she beautiful or will I need to buy more paper bags?
When she gets to the states, I am going to violate her in every room of my house (and my house has 22 rooms!) She has told me that I can make love in her butt!
I plan on sending her some money, but I will not unless you can help me determine if this is a scam or if she is not as "boing - boing" and "hot potato" as she says she is.
Please help and God be praised,
Juan Stein
{The "bank" replies.}
from bis bank
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 10:55 AM subject ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/PROCEDURE
BANQUE ISLAMIQUE DU SÉNÉGAL - BIS
Bank dircetor..... Alhaji L.E.Kazeem
Immeuble Fayçal, rue Huart x Amadou Assane Ndoye, BP 3381
Dakar, République du Senegal
Email...bibank@d2r.zzn.com
Tel.........+221 777 848 961
FRENCH/ENGLISH/PUBLIC REPORTS ON COUNTRY:
ATTENTION: SIR
DATE 26-06-08
DEAR SIR.
THIS IS REFFERENCE TO YOUR REQUEST THROUGH YOUR EMAIL FOR
THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEPOSITED FUND OF
($4.850.000USD ONLY) IN OUR BANK, WILLED TO (HER DAUGTHER) ALICIA.
AS FOR YOUR QUECTION OVER OUR LATE COSTUMER DAUGHTER MR FRED CAMARA DAUGHTER MISS ALICIA SHE IS A GOOD GIRL I NOW HER FAMILY WELL BEFORE THE INSIDENT OF THE FAMILY SO IS POSSIBLE FOR HER TO BE A VIRGIN SHE IS NOT A SCAMMER .GO AHEAD AND DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO HELP HER TRANSFER HER LATE FATHER FUND INTO YOUR COUNTRY.
BASED ON YOUR REQUEST, WE HAVE CROSS-CHECKED THE ACCOUNT INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM YOU BY OUR FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, THE DEPOSITOR\'S ACCOUNT BALANCE IS FOUR MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND US DOLLAR ONLY ($4.850.000USD).
{bullshit}
{bullshit request for information which you'll see below}
WE SINCERELY APOLOGISE FOR THE INCONVINENCES, AND WE PROMISE TO GIVE OUR CUSTOMERS THE BEST OF OUR QUALITY BANKING SERVICES.
THANKS.
YOURS SINCERELY
ALHAJI L.E.KAZEEM
(MD) OF BIS BANK
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jun 26, 2008 at 8:18 PM
subject Re: ALICIA
Hello sweet baby chick pie a la mode!
I contacted the bank and the want information I cannot provide! Can you help me find the following information?
1. YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DRAFT AN APPLICATION LETTER REQUESTING FOR THE CLOSURE AND TRANSFER OF THE SAID FUND INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT.
2. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AUTHORITY LETTER (POWER OF ATTORNEY) DULLY SIGNED BY A SENEGALAIS BASED LAWYER AS YOUR WITNESS, MANDATING YOU TO MAKE THIS CLAIMS AND TRANSFER ON THE NEXT OF KIN'S BEHALF.
3. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A COPY OF (MR FRED CAMARA) DEATH CERTIFICATE, ISSUED BY A PUBLIC/GENERAL HOSPITAL CONFIRMING HIS DEATH.
4. YOU SHOULD PRESENT AN AFFIDAVIT OF OATH FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT IN DAKAR SENEGAL, SINCE THE NEXT OF KIN IS RESIDING IN SENEGAL .
5. YOU SHOULD PRESENT A LETTER OF ADMINISTRATION FROM THE FEDERAL HIGH COURT OF SENEGAL.
6.YOU SHOULD PRESENT THE DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE OF THE ACCOUNT HOLDER (MR FRED CAMARA)
What should I do? Oh sweet goatse! How will I ever get all this paperwork!
Please help! I miss you so badly. I can almost feel you in my arms.
I love you so much!
Love
Juan
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jun 27, 2008 at 11:42 AM
Good Day Honey
I thank you very much for the notification of the reply you received from the BANK I greatly appreciate the love that you are filling into my empty life, Indeed it is natural and nothing can turn us apart, I hope to come to your place soon as possibily . your sweet confident mails close to me, I have been thinking the way to solve this matter perfectly and I have got the solution. I am very happy to recieve from you the response from the BANK, I thank God for everything,I really appreciate your care and your concern and I know God will surely see us through. According to the BANK request, After reading the message you received from the BANK I understand that they required a backing documents seal and sign with a Senegalis Base Lawyer,
1) Firstly I have the Death Certificate of my late father with me here. which I will attach it and send it to you now as the BANK requested from you. What you have to do is to contact this Lawyer for him to help us and get the power of Attorney please,
2) Since you can't come here in person I have been thinking that we will need the services of a lawyer here who will represent us at the federal high court here in Senegal to get the affidavite of oath and support, the lawyer will also help us to prepare the power of attorney on our behalf.
This lawyer will help us to get the item which is the power of attorney and the affidavite of oath and the lawyer will also draft the transfer application for us and support from the federal high court here in Senegal.
Please keep this matter strictly confidential, I can always trust you, Because I don't want my step mother or any of my relatives to know about this on any account, as you can see that we are almost at the end of this matter, God will help us.
Now there is no need for us to keep waiting since the BANK are ready to make this transfer once the documents are ready, I have ask the Rev.Father here and he gave me a contact of a good indiginal lawyer here in SENEGAL who will help us to get this documents without wasting much time, Bellow here is the lawyer contact The Rev.Father gave me;
Barrister Ashman Chambers Association
Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada
President, Ashman Duke Law Chambers Senegal.
19, Rue Abdoul Karim Bourgi X Wagane Diouf B.P. 1976, Dakar, Senegal. , Dakar , Senegal ,00221
Phone No.: +221 768 788 006
Personal Email Contact : ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Please, I will like you to make contact with this law firm immediately and ask him to help us to get those needed document for us?
with love and kisssss
Best Regard
Alicia
{The photos she sent were actually links and I'm not clicking on any links. Let's drop some new information on her and see if our relationship is strong enough to survive!}
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 8:35 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Oh dear! As my loins throb and ache, I must tell you that I cannot download the files you sent! I click on the file and nothing happens! Oh I am so upset! Can you please re-send them?
I must also tell you something that I have been hiding from you. I am not ashamed of it, but I must share this with you before you come and be my wife of love and the anal sex.
I am deaf. I cannot hear out of my left ear and my right ear is 120% deaf.
I KNOW WE CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK. I should have told you at first, but I was scared you would not keep talking to me.
If you are ashamed of me, do not bother replying back. I will weep and the tears will burn down my orifices. Oh the melody!
But if you still love me, then we will make this work. I can teach you sign language or I can learn to write in whatever gibberish you speak.
WE CAN BE OF THE LOVE!
Please let me know your decision sweet, moist love.
Juan
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan date Sat, Jun 28, 2008 at 10:24 AM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
Hello Honey
i saw your mail this afternoon i became so happy to hear from you. as for what you said i coming to you is the will of God and for the love i have for you .what you will know now . that is not problem to me i want you to be my husband i will be under you i have not being having any contact with any man before. that is why i need a partner of my life that will help me out of this situation
So honey go ahead and contact the lawyer for me to know when the transfer will be after that i will be coming to meet you face to face .
Honey contact him immediately ok.the attachment is the document.
I love Honey may Good bless you for me and greet my little baby for me ok.
Alicia
{The photos she attached. I like the last one best!}
Her photo ID from the refugee camp. The photo is oddly similar to the
first one she sent.
Death certificate. Click to enlarge and get a good laugh.
Flowers from my love!
from HolyJuan
to Alicia Camara
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 12:46 PM
subject Re: Honey please contact this lawyer now.
I will e-mail him today.
I am fixing up a room for you in my home!! Because of some trauma I suffered in my youth at camp, I tend to thrash around in bed so you will be required to sleep in a separate room. It took me a while to acquire all the leather straps and iron bars, but I think with your womanly touch, you will able to make this room your own. Hopefully you don;t mind not having windows. There is a bulb hanging from the ceiling that will suffice. Besides, sunlight will make your skin dry and I need you to be un-cancerous.
Love you in Gods name and his belt buckle,
Juan
{My letter to the lawyer, Barrister Ashman.}
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jun 29, 2008 at 8:23 PM
subject Mr.Fred Camara from Liberia
Hello Barrister Assman,
Hello and fine welcome. My name is Juan Stein of these United States. It is good to speak with such a educated person such as yourself. I, too, am educamted in several languages and maths. Sadly, an accident has taken away my hearing and I cannot hear so I am unable to speak the languages I cannot hear because I have lost my hearing. I'm sure you know the feeling.
I have some items I need you to review. I am working in tandem to retrieve some monies for my fiancée and wife to be, Alicia Camara, late daughter of the late Mr. Fred Camara. I have take it upon myself to help this young, virginal lady with regaining her finances as well as preparing a home for her here in the United States of America. When she gets here, oh boy the ass rapings will commence!
I have attached some paperwork to help these proceedings. I am also hoping I can retain your legal counsel to attain the proper paper work so that Alicia can come to the United States as soon as possible. My burning chode can wit no longer for her love.
Please let me know the costs associated with gaining her a passport and visa. I know these can be expensive and I do not care what lengths and breasts you have to go to. Even if it requires some "quote" paperwork under the table, do what you must to get her here!!
I have listed some of the requirements below. I've been to hell and back to get this paperwork and I can stand for you screwing this up. Please note the six items below as well as the attachments I am sending you.
Please let me know if you can help or if I have to find another law guy to help me.
Thank you Assman,
Juan Stein
---------------------------------------------
{A letter from Alicia after I told her I would contact the lawyer.}
Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 8:55 AM
subject I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Hello Honey
Good Afternoon Honey
How is life over there i hope you are ok.
i saw your mail this afternoon sorry for my late reply is because of my condition here in the camp. i hard what you said infact i am so much happy for you infact Honey i can do with out you
Honey try your best to contact the lawyer as you said i can wet any more to see your face to face..
Honey please do everything fast i will like to be with you today or tomorrow ok.watin to hear a good news from you.
HONEY I LOVE YOU
Alicia
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:36 PM
subject Re: I LOVE YOU HONEY FROM ALICIA.
Oh my sweet num num num, it is so good that you have not thrown me in the bushes because of my hearing problem. A man with out ears in the united states is as good as a bike without a baseball hat in Africa.
I have contacted the lawyer. I want you to know that I am talking to them about getting you a passport and a visa so that you can come to my house in the United States. The cost for the money transfer is reasonable and I want to make sure that the cost for your passport and transportation will not blow a load in my sock.
Once the lawyer guy tells my how to get you here, then we are 50% of the halfway mark!
Usually I masturbate three to four times a day, but I have not at all since your last message to save up for you!
Let us pray to Jesus and God (Oh God Let the trip and travels of Alicia be of short and hurried manner. Let the carry on baggage be free of 7oz containers and sharp objects. May her flight not be delayed and may she land on time. OH GOD! In your mercy, let the Taxi be swift and the tip be modest so that my sweet sweet Alicia may arrive into her cell and holding area. May the leather straps not chaff her skin. Dear God in heaven next to her sweet departed father who's internal organs did bleed in your name.
In your name lubricate,
Amen.)
Once the lawyer gives me the jive, you just hang loose blood and she be back on the rebound with the medicide.
LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH,
Juan
---------------------------------------------------
{Here is the correspondence with the lawyer.}
Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 5:35 AM
YOUR REQUEST SIR
Attention: Juan
Ref: CSS/LMU/T/ 08
Date ; 30/06/08
In accordance to the request of your mail contacting us on the issue of helping you to procure the necessary documents required by the BANK to make your claims of the Fund to your residence country,we are happy and highly honoured and promise to assist and represent you in all assigns.The affidavit of support will first be obtained from the federal High Court here in Senegal which i will sworn in your favor and as soon as this is ready, we will proceed immediately to draft the Power of Attorney which will be dully signed by the next of kin to the Fund and witness by me also notarized by the federal High court. To Process the documents we need the following information from you:
(1) Your full name and your address as you will like it to appear in the documents
(2) Your reachable telephone and fax number.
(3) Scan copy of your international passport pages that contain your full information OR your driving license
It's mandatory that you sumite the require fees before we carry on your service, to enable us settle with some of the offices at the Federal High Court here in Senegal, The cost of obtaining the documents Excluding our service fees is $2,250 Dollars (Two Thousand Two hundred and fifty Dollars Only) Included in fees are:
1: Consultation/Mobilization
2: Opening of File Case
3: Drafting of the Power of Attorney
4: Sworning of Affidavit of Oath
5: Notarization and Endorsement
Note,Upon the receipt of the fees and the information,we shall proceed immediately and process the documents which will take us 2 working days to complete.Pls feel free to contact the president of our chamber Barrister Ashman on his direct phone line (+221 768 788 006) for any questions.On hearing from you,we shall provide you details for you to make the payment.
Our Regards Secretary; Mrs Jane Okada,
President Ashman Law Chambers Senegal,
--------------------------------------------------------
From HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 7:39 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mrs Jane Okada,
Thank you for your reply. I am also in need of the costs for bringing Alicia to these United States. Can you breakdown the following costs:
1. passport fees
2. visa fees
3. transportation fees
4. virginity certification
5. extra baggage fees
6. vaccinations
Please let me know these costs to combine with the access to the money of her late father.
In Jesus name,
Juan Stein
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan date Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 5:51 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR REQUEST I WILL DO THAT FOR YOU SIR .BUT PLEASE YOU WILL GIVE ME SOME HOURS SO THAT I WILL GO TO EMBASSY AND DO THE INQUIRIES THEN I WILL GET BACK TO YOU OK.
ASHMANDUKE
------------------------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
HolyJuan
Tue, Jul 1, 2008 at 8:55 AM
HELLO MR JUAN.
I HAVE GOT THE INFORMATIONS ABOUT HER TRAVELING DOCUMENTS THIS IS THE COST OF EVERYTHING.
1. passport fee---------$250
2. visa fee----------------$450
3. transportation fee-$150
4. virginity certification$400
5. extra baggage fee--$370
6. vaccination fee-------------$270
7.missionally fee---------$550
TOTAL COSTS ------ $2,440 dollars.
THANKS.
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
Thu, Jul 3, 2008 at 2:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Dear Mr. Assman,
These prices are satisfactory.
As you may be well aware, I will be bringing my sweet Alicia to the United States. Like a ship into the tubes of fallopia, I need to ensure that my "package" has not been touched by man. If I find out that she has been violated by man or beast, I shall negate this deal.
I will need the results of the virginity test BY A DOCTOR before I will continue this deal.
Please do not let Alicia know that I have concerns about he purity and virginity, but I do not want a diseased woman to touch my penis and taint.
I will need the results of the virginity test before I will complete this deal.
I am going to tell Alicia that everything is ready to go and that she will be having a Doctors test to make sure she is healthy. DO NOT TELL HER ABOUT THE VIRGINITY TEST.
In my next e-mail to her, I will tell her that you are going to have a doctor look to see if she is healthy to come to the United States. Secretly the doctor should check her out and see if she is pure.
If she finds out about the test, this deal is OFF!!
Get a doctor to check her and i will reassure her that the doctor is just checking her blood and health.
Thank you for your understanding,
Juan Stein
----------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 5:57 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
HOW ARE YOU TODAY AND YOUR FAMILY, SIR WE RECEIVE YOUR MESSAGE I WENT TO THE CAMP TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER ALICIA TO LAB. AS YOU REQUEST FROM ME.
SIR IS NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF THE SECURITY IN THE CAMP,BUT I SPOKE WITH THE REV. FATHER IN THE CAMP ASKING HIM ABOUT ALICIA HI SAID A LOT ABOUT HER AND ALSO THEY HAVE HOSPITAL INSIDE THE CAMP BECAUSE THE CAMP IS UNDER MISSIONARY CONTROL, THE REV. SAID SOMETHING THAT SUPRISE ME ABOUT YOUR PARTNER ALICIA .THAT SHE MADE A VAIL BEFORE GOD THAT SHE WILL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH ANY MAN TILL SHE MEET HER LIFE PARTNER.
SO MR JUAN ,YOUR WISH IS OUR COMMAND, SIR DO ANYTHING POSSIBLE TO SEND THE MONEY TO GET THE PEPPERS WORK FOR THE TRANSFER OK .IF I WILL ADVISE YOU DO WHAT EVER YOU ARE DOING FAST SO THAT YOU WILL NOT LOSS HER OK.
WE TIN TO HEAR FROM AND HOW TO SEND THE MONEY OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
----------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:43 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Listen here Assman,
I need a certificate of virginity. I will not bring a woman over here unless I have one. The last eight women I have brought over all had certificates of virginity, signed by a doctor. Sadly, all those undocumented women died in very tragic accidents and now I need a new one and my sweet love Alicia is that woman.
Perhaps there is another lawyer in that squalor town you live in that can get me a certificate and I will have to go through them like a peanut butter sandwich with extra mayo, eh companion?
Get slapping on that certificate or I will seek other representation.
Speaking of payment, do you use direct deposit or does the money need to be in an international cheque or perhaps a barron's bond? I have sent money in the form of both wire transfer and gold bullion. Please let me know what you prefer.
In your honor and such,
Juan
--------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:21 AM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THIS YOUR REQUEST HAS GETTING MORE THAN REQUIRED ,LISTEN MR JUAN ,I AM A BARRISTER NOT A DOCTOR THIS YOUR REQUEST IS NOT MY DUTY OK.MY DUTY IS TO HELP YOU PREPARE DOCUMENT FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE FUND YOU ASK OF .PLEASE IF YOU NEED ANY ORDER HELP FROM ME FILL FREE TO CONTACT ME OK.FOR YOUR PARTNER ALICIA IS NOT POSSIBLE TO WALK INTO THE WOMEN CAMP AND ASK HER OUT IS IMPOSSIBLE OK
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------
{You're fired!}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 9:56 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thank you for your service.
I will be seeking the aid of another barrister who actually knows what he is doing.
I'm sure I can find SOMEONE who can get a simple virginity certificate.
Epic fail.
Juan
-------------------------------------------------
{Here is a side conversation that I have had with Alicia during the lawyer conversation. MORE REVELATIONS! What you cannot see here is that "Alicia" keeps attaching photos of flowers to her e-mails... I think it's love.}
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 10:43 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Sweet Heart
i saw your mail,thanks for your concern about my health.
Honey we have our private hospital we do text every month because the camp is under missionary and the security in the camp is too much .so Honey don,t worry about that .my problem is for you to settle with the lawyer as you promise me ok.as for me i make a Vail with God that man can not see my private part till i get married with my partner and also God is helping me no matter the condition i find my self ok.i will like to hear a good news from you about the lawyer today and tomorrow ok.
I love Honey
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 4, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Sweet love meat Alicia!
Please do not let anyone worry you. I am working with the lawyer. He is going to have a doctor check you out to make sure you are not sick.
I cannot have you sick if you are going to come over to the United States. You must be healthy to make it through the Trials of Mordor that I have planned for you. I have stocked the pantry with 80 pounds of peanut butter!
Ihope you are not alergic!
Your husband to be,
Juan
------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 7:44 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello honey
i saw your mail this morning ,i am not happy with you OK.after my prayer yesterday night God show me some thing ,i come to understand that you are hidden some secret thing for me after giving you my heart with trust,i trust you with my heart but you don,t care ,what you care for is if am with sickness ,did i look like someone with sickness? as i can see you want to break my heart .Honey please tell me your mind consigned me OK.if you are ready to help me out, after my yesterday mail to you,is because you don't love or trust me the way i do to you every day you tell me that you are working thing out with lawyer as some one you love you can not forward me any mail from the lawyer for me to know true you are working with him ok ,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.
with love
Alicia
------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 10:02 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have been lying to you. I am sorry.
I tried to have the Barrister run a virginity authenication test on you to make sure you have not been with a man in the bed of sex before.
The barrister has quit the job and we will need to find a new one. I am sorry to cause this trouble for you.
Can you please locate another Barrister? And please find one that will take a wire transfer of funds. I do not want to send a check or cash. Western Union is best but I will take any other trustful wire service.
I am sorry I lied to you. Of course you are clean. I just wanted to make sure you have not lain with man or beast before i penetrate you with my throbbing rod of man muscle.
I too have prayed to God and he said that I need to get you out of the camp and bring you back to the United States so that I can violate his sacred veil that is wrapped around your groin. God also said to use corn on the cob with you as well. Who am I to doubt the word of God and his sweet buttery goodness?
All my love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 4:02 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Good evening Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail but i can,t understand you well .
please Honey can you please tell me what the lawyer did to you,as you can understand, our Rev.give me the contact of the lawyer.so before we look for another one i will tell the Rev.what the lawyer hi give me his contact did to my sweet heart,Honey as you can see i am not a free person for now. so that i will ask him to look for another lawyer ok.i will like to stop there till i hear from you ok.
Olive you with my heart ,honey please try to do everything fast ok.when the money will be transfered into your account in usa ,and also i will be your life the money will be your and me alone.
thank
Alicia
-------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Sat, Jul 5, 2008 at 11:46 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Alicia,
I have another secret to share with you. Please, if you can see it in God's name, do not leave me. If you can keep this secret, I will get the old lawyer back.
I am a gay man. A homosexual. I'm not sure what you call them in you language... perhaps a trough slurper or dark path weiner sniffer. Maybe you might refer to me as a long dong cat stuffing harlot from Kansas City. Either way, I am a man who loves other men.
the reason I need you is so that I can hide my faggotry from others. If my friends and co-workers find out I am gay... it is all over Johnny.
Please... can you find it in your heart to still come and live with me and pretend to be my wife. I will still love you in your buttocks, but only as a man would love another man.
Please tell Mr. Assman the lawyer that I am very sorry and that I will contact him again if you will promise to keep my secret a secret promise.
Promise?
Love,
Juan
--------------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 10:19 AM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
How are you today,i saw your mail,is OK i understand you but everything is in your hand.as for me i will do anything for your seck,i promise you i will keep the secret for the love i have on you.but i don't know your plan over me,Honey you always telling me that you will settle the lawyer as you said .Honey if Lilly you care for me write to the lawyer now and send him what he need from us to start the job today,tomorrow ,i want to come over to USA anytime from now ok.if you Lilly love me the why i do to you .my Rev. said that the lawyer is a good man and he have mouth in the government, so Honey contact him and know how to settle with him ok..i will stop here till i hear from you ok
i will always love you .
Alicia
-----------------------------------------------------------------
{Let's see if I can get the lawyer back on board.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Sun, Jul 6, 2008 at 11:20 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I owe you an apology.
I know you were unable to come up with a Virginity Certificate for Alicia and I am sorry that I told you to go shove a mini-van up your ass. I should have thought that out.
Let's start over...
What information do you need from me so that we can proceed with the money transfer for Alicia? As a gay man, I feel obligated to help this poor girl.
We also need to get the travel arrangements for Alicia finalized. Can you answer the following questions:
1. What airport will she be flying out of?
2. How many bags?
3. Does she need to fly first class?
Thank you,
Juan Stein
--------------------------------------------------
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 3:35 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR JUAN
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL,WE ARE SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPEN LAST TIME ,WE LILLY APOLOGIES OK. AS FOR YOUR QUESTION ABOUT YOUR PARTNER TRAVELING ALICIA ,NO PROBLEM ABOUT THAT SHE WILL COME TO USA WITH A NURF LUGGAGE'S OK ,SHE WILL USE FIRST CLASS AND SHE WILL FLY WITH AIR FRANCE OK.
the following are the information you need to send the money by western union
Name: Mrs.Jane Okada
Address: Unit 22 Medina, Dakar Senegal.
Then forward me this 3 information so that i can cash the money over here as soon as you transfer the money.
1) The control numbers
2) The test question and answer
3) The name and address of the sender.
I shall get back to you as soon as i receive the money.
Regard mrs.Jane Okada
-----------------------------------------
{Let's see how Assman likes my math.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Mon, Jul 7, 2008 at 5:18 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
I am very sorry for all the trouble I caused and will put in an additional $50 as a special reward for your services. Please use this money to buy a shirt or a pair of socks. I would also suggest Enron stock as well as Bears Sterns.
The original amount was $2,250 to release the funds
The costs for travel etc was $2,440
My tip to you is $50
For a total of $4,740
When I convert your Senegal Dollars to American US dollars I get $11.13
{4,740 CFA Franc BCEAO (XOF) = 11.13 US Dollar (USD) }
Please make sure this number is correct and get back to me post haste!
Thank you Assman,
Signed,
HolyJuan
----------------------------------------------------------
{Assman reveals that the $5,000 was to be in US currency, not his local chits.}
from Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:42 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO MR.JUAN
I SAW YOUR MAIL,SORRY FOR LATE REPLY .AS I TOLD YOU BEFORE THAT THE MONEY FOR THE PEPPERS WILL COST $2,250 US DOLLARS AND OTHER MONEY FOR THE TRAVELING OF YOUR PARTNER ALICIA WILL COST $2,440 US DOLLARS,SO THE TOTAL MONEY WILL COST...$4,690 US DOLLARS.I HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND ME BETTER OK.NOW YOU CAN SEND IT TRUE WESTERN UNION OK AND SEND THE INFORMATION TO ME ,SO THAT I WILL START THE WORK IMMEDIATELY.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
M.D
---------------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 1:11 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Mr. Ashman,
$4,690 US Dollars? I had no idea!!!!!!
That is a lot of money.
So far your services have been good, but if I am to pay that much, I will need the Certificate of Virginity as you originally priced out for me.
I am going to set up the account with Western Union, but I WILL NOT SEND YOU A SINGLE AMERICAN WET DOLLAR until you show me a photo or a scan of the Virginity Certificate. I don't care if a doctor or the Rev. signs a piece of paper, but I need something that is scanned or a photo NOT AN E-MAIL.
If you cannot do this, then there is NO TRUST.
Juan
I AM VERY UPSET.
-----------------------------------
{Assman tries to squeeze a drop out of Juan.}
From Ashman Duk
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:25 PM
subject YOUR REQUEST SIR
HELLO JUAN
I UNDERSTAND YOUR REQUEST IS BECAUSE I AM A BUSY MAN OK. WHAT YOU WILL DO KNOW IS TO SEND $200 US DOLLAR SO THAT BUY TOMORROW I WILL MAKE OUT TIME TO TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR VIRGINAL TEST OK.I WILL CALL THE REV.TO REALIZE HER FOR ME OK. AS YOU CAN SEE IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR I TO USE MY MONEY FOR THE TEST OF YOUR PARTNER, OR YOU SEND THE MONEY TO YOUR PARTNER .IF YOU DON'T TRUST ME AS YOU SAID OK.I AM JUST TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE BEST SERVICE AS YOU CAN OK.
THANKS
ASHMANDUKE
-----------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 3:51 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Reply
I may be gay.
I may be deaf.
But I am NOT stupid.
Everyone knows that first the virginity test is given and THEN payment is made. I will include the $200 with the rest of the payment.
If you wish, I will break the payments down into two separate payments so that it is easier to make the transaction, but I will not pay any money until I get a photo or a scan of the virginity test.
I am very tired of all this. You are not helping me and your are not helping yourself.
Get me a scan or a photo of the test and then you will get your monies via Western Union.
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE ASSMAN. DO NOT MAKE ME ANGRY. YOU WOULDN'T LIKE ME WHEN I AM ANGRY.
JUAN
-------------------------------------------------------------------
{Meanwhile, Juan continues his relationship with Alicia.}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 12:09 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello my love,
Do you think it strange that I still love you even though I am a deaf, gay man? Over these past few weeks, I have grown to love you more and more.
I am working out the details with the lawyer. He is setting me up with Western Union to send the money.
You are going to fly out of the country First class on Air France. I hope they can get the paper work together quickly.
I will see you in my dreams,
Juan
------------------------------------------------
from Alicia Camara
to HolyJuan
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 2:11 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello My Dream Heart
i am always see you in my dreams,Honey thanks for your mail and also sorry for my late reply Honey i am happy for you,i will like to hear a good news from you tomorrow that you have settle everything with the lawyer and ask me to be ready for traveling ok.
Honey i don't think you will ever love me the way i always dream of you,i will like to stop here till i hear from you ok.bye my love.
Alicia
----------------------------------------------------
{An original poem from Juan. Can anyone guess where it is from?}
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Tue, Jul 8, 2008 at 4:06 PM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I have written you an original poem, straight from my heart. I hope you like it:
You should've been gone
Knowing how I made you feel
And I should've been gone
After all your words of steel
Oh, I must've been a dreamer
And I must've been someone else
And we should've been over
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, I want to let go
You'll go on hurtin' me
You'd be better off alone
If I'm not who you thought I'd be
But you know that there's a fever
Oh, that you'll never find nowhere else
Can't you feel it burnin'
On-and-on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia
Oh, Alicia
But I should've been gone
Long ago, far away
And you should've been gone
Now I know you'd lie
You'll stay
{Instrumental}
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Oh, Alicia, our love
Holds on, holds on
Hold on
Oh, Alicia
------------------------------------------------
{Oh no! Alicia has found out about my demand for the virginity test!}
from Alicia Camara
reply-to alibest4all@yahoo.com
to HolyJuan
date Wed, Jul 9, 2008 at 12:38 PM
subject ALICIA WITH LOVE.
Hello Honey
thanks for your mail.
our Rev.ask me this morning to go for virginity text with the lawyer,they have finish with the text but they did not tell me any thing about it.i want to know if you are away of this text.
i am some how con fuss,Honey please i want you to tell me your mind open about me .i don't know if you want to help me transfer my late father fund to USA or not, this money is my life.since ever i fund you i build all my trust on you, everyday you promise that you will settle with the lawyer .if you don't Lilly want to help me out of this condition open up and tell me so that i know what to do.upon you know my condition here you never any day said my love take this for your soap and cream as for me i trust my self,when ever the fund transferred to your account you will first take all your expenses and your percentage and your will still invest with the lest of the fund ok.please honey if you love me settle the lawyer so that i will come over ok.i will stop here till i hear from you.
with love
Alicia
--------------------------------------------------
from HolyJuan
to alibest4all@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 12:23 AM
subject Re: ALICIA WITH LOVE.
I will not respond to you again unless you take the test.
Take the virgingity test now! The Rev can give you the test. Have the barrister return the scan or a photo of the results to me.
Take the test.
Why are you scared? Have you been with a brown cow or a brown chicken? Brown chicken brown cow.
Take the test and have the barrister return the results to me by photo or scan.
Otherwise, no money.
NO MONEY!
NO MONEY!
I love you with all my heart!
Juan
------------------------------------
{I decided to set up a sting to find out where Assman was coming from. I posted a fake page on my site about the Western Union transaction. I e-mailed him the link and he took the bait.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Thu, Jul 10, 2008 at 11:30 PM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Here is the link to the question and the answer for the Wester Union money.
http://www.holyjuan.com/2007/07/question-and-answer-for-western-union.html
Let me know if you are able to read it.
Juan
{Here's where the IP address was coming from.}
--------------------------------------------------------------
{Well, Assman and Alicia are done. Juan's deaf, gay heart is broken. I send him/them a final letter.}
from HolyJuan
to ashmanduk4@yahoo.com
date Fri, Jul 11, 2008 at 11:07 AM
subject Re: YOUR REQUEST SIR
Thanks for the fun my friend!
Good luck with trying to get money from other people.
Just remember that then next person you e-mail will probably be me.
Tell "Alicia" I said hi!
Thanks!
HolyJuan
{As a final act of love, Assman added me to his FeedBurner, so I hope and pray he's reading this right now!}
Ask HolyJuan: Traffic Ticket Revenge
Dear HolyJuan:
I recently received a minor traffic violation from an overly eager, by-the-book police officer. I understand that he was just doing his job, but why pull someone over for going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when there are real crimes out there? I would like to send my payment to them in a unique way to show how I feel. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Logan Leadfoot
Dear Pb 12 inches,
Sorry about your ticket. Sometimes five miles over the speed limit is too much. I assume you were in a 55 MPH zone doing 60 MPH. Tough break.
Here’s a good way to get revenge. EMBARRASSMENT.
Don’t fight the ticket in court. Just suck it up and prepare to pay with cash. Take the cash and, write “28 handjobs” with marker on each bill. This will really throw them off. Next to that, in pencil, write, “Thanks for the discount!” on each bill.
Then, take the cash and wrap it in nude photos of your wife. A lot of them. Make it so the envelope is THICK with tons of photos in all sorts of positions. I’m hoping postage is somewhere around $13.95.
Next, send the whole thing to a 3rd, neutral party. Say me, for instance. I’m at:
HolyJuan
228 Softwhick Rd
Apt 3D
Westerville, OH 43081
I will then forward the cash and photos to the court so that they do not know it is from you and you cannot get into trouble.
The court may call you in a few weeks to suggest that they did not receive the payment, but this is because they are too embarrassed to admit they saw the words “28 hand jobs.” Just ignore the warnings and smile quite nicely to yourself.
Love,
HolyJuan
I recently received a minor traffic violation from an overly eager, by-the-book police officer. I understand that he was just doing his job, but why pull someone over for going 5 miles per hour over the speed limit when there are real crimes out there? I would like to send my payment to them in a unique way to show how I feel. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Logan Leadfoot
Dear Pb 12 inches,
Sorry about your ticket. Sometimes five miles over the speed limit is too much. I assume you were in a 55 MPH zone doing 60 MPH. Tough break.
Here’s a good way to get revenge. EMBARRASSMENT.
Don’t fight the ticket in court. Just suck it up and prepare to pay with cash. Take the cash and, write “28 handjobs” with marker on each bill. This will really throw them off. Next to that, in pencil, write, “Thanks for the discount!” on each bill.
Then, take the cash and wrap it in nude photos of your wife. A lot of them. Make it so the envelope is THICK with tons of photos in all sorts of positions. I’m hoping postage is somewhere around $13.95.
Next, send the whole thing to a 3rd, neutral party. Say me, for instance. I’m at:
HolyJuan
228 Softwhick Rd
Apt 3D
Westerville, OH 43081
I will then forward the cash and photos to the court so that they do not know it is from you and you cannot get into trouble.
The court may call you in a few weeks to suggest that they did not receive the payment, but this is because they are too embarrassed to admit they saw the words “28 hand jobs.” Just ignore the warnings and smile quite nicely to yourself.
Love,
HolyJuan
Ask HolyJuan: Tapioca
Dear HolyJuan,
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
Just what the heck is tapioca?
Sincerely,
Puddin'
Dear Puddin’,
I believe what you are actually asking is “why the heck is tapioca?”
I’m not sure what tapioca is made from so I cannot answer “what.” I do know what tapioca looks and feels like so I am able to answer “why.”
This tasteless combination of not exactly liquid stuff mixed in with bits of not exactly solid stuff combines to create something that makes most non-Newtonian fluids shit their collective pants. I believe it is an abomination to God himself. This "food" is like napalm, but less flamey.
The only way to speak about tapioca is to do so in the past tense so that you can pretend like it does not exist anymore and therefore your conscious, sub-conscious and pre-conscious mind(s) do not have to deal with its viral complexities.
Tapioca was the standard fare in most grade school lunched. It was been popularized in the 80’s television shown “Eight were Enough.” Who didn’t laughed at the bucked-tooth kid who’d spilt said Tapioca on the bathroomed floored. Gooded times!
I hope this answers your question!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. This was an actual question from a reader. Next week's may not be so don't get your hopes up.}
Ask HolyJuan : A Small Problem
Dear HolyJuan,
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
I am hoping you can help me with a small problem. I am a seventy-one year old man, but I feel like I am twenty-five on the inside. I have a way with the ladies, especially hotel workers. I travel a lot and with my wife living in Orlando, I need an outlet for my sexual desires. Believe it or not, I don’t even need Viagra!
My problem is that I have a lack of blood flow to my groin. Once I start to get an erection, the blood that helps to keep my sphincter muscles shut is reduced and I let loose with hot, steamy flatulence. That tends to drive the ladies away.
Can you help?
Signed,
Air of Unhappiness
Dear Air,
My friend, I feel your pain. And I also smell your pain.
Here is my suggestion: when at the hotel, chatting it up with the front desk staff, and you feel Mr. Wrinkly starting to wake up and dust himself off, excuse yourself to the bathroom. Once in a stall, pull down your Depends and put one foot on the toilet. Now, stuff one of your saggy, old man balls into your butt. You’ll find that it will reach easily and probably slip right in. This will block flatulence and any anal leakage. Now for the hard part – pull the Depends back up and use the Velcro straps to over tighten the waistband, forming a sort of crotch tourniquet. Use your pocket knife to cut a small hole in the front, allowing your disgusting, liver spotted wiener an opportunity to breathe and to poke out. Cut a second hole just underneath the first and allow the other ball that is not shoved up your butt to dangle. Pull up your pants and (carefully!) zip them up. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
I would also suggest painting the Depends flesh colored to camouflage them during that eye-tearing out sex you have with these foreign, drunk hotel staff. Dab on moles with a sharpie (not green) for added reality.
BONUS ADVICE: at the end of the horrific ordeal you call sex, at the point of orgasm, yank the one dangling ball downward, which will bust the seams on your depends and unleash the second ball with great gouts of gas and yesterday’s porridge. The sensation of all the blood rushing back to your sphincter will be MINDBLOWING. All except that you will not remember anything about it in ten minutes, you old, forgetful fuck.
Best of Luck!
Signed,
HolyJuan
{Send your questions to holyjuan@gmail.com. If you do not, I’ll have to make up another letter for next time. And we do not want to see or smell that.}
Ask HolyJuan: Who's tougher: Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese?
Dear HolyJuan,
My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.
My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.
HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.
Senior Blanco
Dear Sr. Blanco,
Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.
I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.
What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.
This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)
My friend and I got into an argument you might be able to settle for us. Who's tougher? Chuck Norris or Dan Cortese? My buddy cited all those lame Chuck Norris jokes, you know, Chuck Norris is so tough he eats hemorrhoids and bunions for breakfast. I get it, he's a black belt kung fu master and that's tough and all but so is my 8 year old nephew.
My man Dan would kick Chuck's ass! He was on MTV Sports and did all sorts of extreme sports like hockey, sky diving and freestyle Frisbee. AND he was always a gamer when it came to Rock and Jock Softball.
HolyJuan, you always have the answers. Help us out with this one.
Senior Blanco
Dear Sr. Blanco,
Wow. This might be the toughest question I’ve ever attempted to answer. Tough only because I have balls and cock and not a vagina. What establishment did you and friend get into this “tussle” at? Charles Penzone’s Grand Salon? Havana? The Smith’s Reunion Tour? I envision that your friend’s mascara was running when you insulted his tough guy and that you tore though a whole quart of Butter Pecan and two rolls of Rolos to quench your indignation when you got home.
I assume that Twitter was a buzz with your open palm slap fight of fury. And that tomorrow, your LiveJournals will both be filled with insults that you couldn’t think of the night before as you both stood back to back outside the Goth bar, using the breathing techniques learned in “Men Coping with their Feelings” Lamaze class that you both gave each other as a gift last Valentines Day.
What real man gets into an argument about what other man is the tougher man? Real men don’t talk to each other. Real men beat each other senseless. At worst you should have both chopped down a tree or drank a flagon of pine tar.
This sickens my masculinity and I resorted to popping an entire pack of my wife’s birth control pills, just so that I could get within a menstrual cycle of your so called “manliness.” After I post this, I’m going to eat a bale of hay and a sack full of prunes to flush this debacle from my system. You, sir, fail at man.
Signed,
HolyJuan
PS (Cortese would totally win with weapons, but I think Norris in hand to hand. BTW: I liked the shirt you wore today. It matched your ear buds.)
Ask HolyJuan: How can I get more followers on Twitter?
Dear HolyJuan,
I am on Twitter, but I do not have very many followers. Why is that? Can you help me get more followers?
Yours truly,
@chicoktc
Dear Circle with an A in it chicoktc,
You have several problems, the first one being that you are using Twitter. Obviously you are well aware of that problem and seem to be at terms with it, so we will not discuss that issue.
Let’s look at the most obvious issue: your username. @chickoktc, broken down, obviously means "chic" (French for toast) "OK" (Oklahoma) and "TC" (the helicopter pilot from Magnum PI).
I’m not sure if this is secret code for something very gay or if it is a desperate cry for attention. Either way, people on Twitter don’t like things that are confusing or require a lot of thinking. I would suggest a name change to something that most Twitter people can understand like @selfabsorbedegotist or @lookatmenownownow or @someonefamousjustcommentedonmycomment.
Another issue I see is your profile photo.
By looking at your shirt, I can tell this photo is from the late 80’s, probably at Myrtle Beach. This is not working. Try taking a super close up photo of your eye. Make pouty lips, that one’s popular with the ladies. How about a photo of your cat? The last thing anyone wants to see is you in some normal pose that shows you exactly as you are. Make a statement and make it a false one. Or just post a photo of a hot chick in a bikini.
Here’s a biggie. Sometimes you speak in English, which is a lot more than can be said of many people on Twitter. But many other times, you start typing gibberish which looks to be some beaver language.
Cut that shit out! Twitter is an English word so you should stick with English or one of the many variants.
You also use some very angry language. Take this tweet: RIP MJ
How dare you! Michael Jackson is an icon and there is no need to rip the poor guy. Just let him rest in peace.
Wow. Looking at the people you follow… Abe Lincoln? The number 4? @THE_REAL_SHAQ? Come on, if he were real, why would he have to put “REAL” in front of his name? You’ve got to start following some actual real people like @homestarrunner @BillOReilly @HilaryClintonsSling. Try those for starters and see if maybe people will notice how cool you are and that you might be worth following. I do see you are following @holyjuan which is a start.
Or you could just do what everyone else does, which is to spam a ton of people and hope they follow you back seeing as they are pathetic people who have very few followers as well. Soon you’ll find yourself with 45,000 followers and a much, much better life.
So to sum up: change name, chick in a bikini, Magnum PI movie to be released in 2011, spam, and watch the beaver language.
You are welcome!
I am on Twitter, but I do not have very many followers. Why is that? Can you help me get more followers?
Yours truly,
@chicoktc
Dear Circle with an A in it chicoktc,
You have several problems, the first one being that you are using Twitter. Obviously you are well aware of that problem and seem to be at terms with it, so we will not discuss that issue.
Let’s look at the most obvious issue: your username. @chickoktc, broken down, obviously means "chic" (French for toast) "OK" (Oklahoma) and "TC" (the helicopter pilot from Magnum PI).
I’m not sure if this is secret code for something very gay or if it is a desperate cry for attention. Either way, people on Twitter don’t like things that are confusing or require a lot of thinking. I would suggest a name change to something that most Twitter people can understand like @selfabsorbedegotist or @lookatmenownownow or @someonefamousjustcommentedonmycomment.
Another issue I see is your profile photo.
By looking at your shirt, I can tell this photo is from the late 80’s, probably at Myrtle Beach. This is not working. Try taking a super close up photo of your eye. Make pouty lips, that one’s popular with the ladies. How about a photo of your cat? The last thing anyone wants to see is you in some normal pose that shows you exactly as you are. Make a statement and make it a false one. Or just post a photo of a hot chick in a bikini.
Here’s a biggie. Sometimes you speak in English, which is a lot more than can be said of many people on Twitter. But many other times, you start typing gibberish which looks to be some beaver language.
Cut that shit out! Twitter is an English word so you should stick with English or one of the many variants.
You also use some very angry language. Take this tweet: RIP MJ
How dare you! Michael Jackson is an icon and there is no need to rip the poor guy. Just let him rest in peace.
Wow. Looking at the people you follow… Abe Lincoln? The number 4? @THE_REAL_SHAQ? Come on, if he were real, why would he have to put “REAL” in front of his name? You’ve got to start following some actual real people like @homestarrunner @BillOReilly @HilaryClintonsSling. Try those for starters and see if maybe people will notice how cool you are and that you might be worth following. I do see you are following @holyjuan which is a start.
Or you could just do what everyone else does, which is to spam a ton of people and hope they follow you back seeing as they are pathetic people who have very few followers as well. Soon you’ll find yourself with 45,000 followers and a much, much better life.
So to sum up: change name, chick in a bikini, Magnum PI movie to be released in 2011, spam, and watch the beaver language.
You are welcome!
Ask HolyJuan: What Shall I Take in My Suitcase?
Dear HolyJuan,
What shall i take in my suitcase? I have been thinking about this for a while and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject.
Please help.
Thanks.
Warmest Regards,
Larry
Dear Larry,
Who uses a suitcase these days? Are you 100 years old? Is it a steamer or a trunk?
I suggest you throw that suitcase out and use a trash bag. Trash bags are better than suitcases for several reasons.
1. Price = free
They already have trash bags at the airport in the bottoms of the trash cans. This allows you to pack at the airport while waiting for your flight instead of doing it at home. I suggest a double bagging so that people will think that you have money to blow on trash bags.
2. Flexibility
When asked if your bag fits into the bag size detector at the airport, you can cram your trashbag into the device, with clothes and toiletries oozing into ever crack and crevice, ensuring that your beanbag sized bag will make it as carry-on.
3. Speed
When you have a trashbag thrown over your shoulder, the TSA attendants at security assumes you work at the airport and will let you right through to the front of the line. When the metal detector goes off, just say, “Dustpan.”
4. Odor Protection
Stinky clothes or cheese from the Duty Free shop? Buy odor protection bags for your trip back. I suggest the twitsty-tie so that you can get into and out of your bag multiple times when you need a snack or to smell again if your clothes really stink. Man, I love my own stink.
5. Security
If you leave your bag on the floor, no one will pick it up. No one will report it as a bomb. No one will look inside to steal your shit. Even the cleaning people won't touch it because the union forbids them from EVER touching anything outside the trash bins. The only people you need to concern yourself with are the people, like me, who are looking to throw their stuff in a trash bag. When I see you at the airport, I’ll give you a thumbs-up.
So, Larry, toss that suitcase. When you look at a trash bag from now on, I want you to say, “This is My Suitcase.”
Love and respectfully,
HolyJuan
What shall i take in my suitcase? I have been thinking about this for a while and was hoping you might be able to shed some light on the subject.
Please help.
Thanks.
Warmest Regards,
Larry
Dear Larry,
Who uses a suitcase these days? Are you 100 years old? Is it a steamer or a trunk?
I suggest you throw that suitcase out and use a trash bag. Trash bags are better than suitcases for several reasons.
1. Price = free
They already have trash bags at the airport in the bottoms of the trash cans. This allows you to pack at the airport while waiting for your flight instead of doing it at home. I suggest a double bagging so that people will think that you have money to blow on trash bags.
2. Flexibility
When asked if your bag fits into the bag size detector at the airport, you can cram your trashbag into the device, with clothes and toiletries oozing into ever crack and crevice, ensuring that your beanbag sized bag will make it as carry-on.
3. Speed
When you have a trashbag thrown over your shoulder, the TSA attendants at security assumes you work at the airport and will let you right through to the front of the line. When the metal detector goes off, just say, “Dustpan.”
4. Odor Protection
Stinky clothes or cheese from the Duty Free shop? Buy odor protection bags for your trip back. I suggest the twitsty-tie so that you can get into and out of your bag multiple times when you need a snack or to smell again if your clothes really stink. Man, I love my own stink.
5. Security
If you leave your bag on the floor, no one will pick it up. No one will report it as a bomb. No one will look inside to steal your shit. Even the cleaning people won't touch it because the union forbids them from EVER touching anything outside the trash bins. The only people you need to concern yourself with are the people, like me, who are looking to throw their stuff in a trash bag. When I see you at the airport, I’ll give you a thumbs-up.
So, Larry, toss that suitcase. When you look at a trash bag from now on, I want you to say, “This is My Suitcase.”
Love and respectfully,
HolyJuan
She Asked HolyJuan
Here is non-photoshopped, visual proof that I have one fan who is actually willing to show her face!
Feel free to Ask HolyJuan yourself by e-mailing me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
Feel free to Ask HolyJuan yourself by e-mailing me at holyjuan@gmail.com.
Ask HolyJuan: Spicy Pepperoni
Hi, I have a package of Pepperoni that I want to make it hot and spicy,, what can I soak it in. Please help.
Pat j.
Dear Pat j.,
Clever. Very clever, MISTER HORMEL!! I know it's you! You and that stinking over priced Tabasco Brand laced Pepperoni in the stinking 5 ounce package. I outed you months ago and now you come crawling back to good ol' HolyJuan seeking advice about how you can make your rotten spicy pepperoni on the cheap!
Well I'll tell you how to make it hot and spicy. Use Frank's RedHot! I use Frank's on almost everything I want to give a nice, but not too hot, spicy kick.
Step One:
Buy pepperoni (you own a pepperoni company so I assume you do not need to buy it. Just walk out on the factory floor and grab a handful.)
Step Two:
Buy some Frank's RedHot (Don't let the Tabasco people see you buy it... that would be breach of contract.)
Step Three:
Put eight (not five) ounces of pepperoni in a plastic bag
Step Four:
Through a proprietary process, infuse the pepperoni with Frank's RedHot.
Step Five:
Sell it for the same price as your other eight ounce products.
Step Six:
Enjoy!
There, I fixed it for you!
Love,
HolyJuan
Pat j.
Dear Pat j.,
Clever. Very clever, MISTER HORMEL!! I know it's you! You and that stinking over priced Tabasco Brand laced Pepperoni in the stinking 5 ounce package. I outed you months ago and now you come crawling back to good ol' HolyJuan seeking advice about how you can make your rotten spicy pepperoni on the cheap!
Well I'll tell you how to make it hot and spicy. Use Frank's RedHot! I use Frank's on almost everything I want to give a nice, but not too hot, spicy kick.
Step One:
Buy pepperoni (you own a pepperoni company so I assume you do not need to buy it. Just walk out on the factory floor and grab a handful.)
Step Two:
Buy some Frank's RedHot (Don't let the Tabasco people see you buy it... that would be breach of contract.)
Step Three:
Put eight (not five) ounces of pepperoni in a plastic bag
Step Four:
Through a proprietary process, infuse the pepperoni with Frank's RedHot.
Step Five:
Sell it for the same price as your other eight ounce products.
Step Six:
Enjoy!
There, I fixed it for you!
Love,
HolyJuan
Ask HolyJuan: Inhospitable in NYC
Dear Holy,
My stepmother recently called to ask if her sister's son could stay with me when he attends a week-long conference in my town. He is attending the conference on his own dime and cannot afford the cost of a hotel.
I haven't seen this step-cousin since I was 10, and think that it would be pretty awkward to have him stay in my one-bedroom apartment.
What excuse should I give so that I don't look like a jerk?
Sincerely,
Inhospitable in NYC
Dear In,
Step-cousin? How do you get a step-cousin? Seems a bit fishy. Why didn’t he step-call you himself? I can see why you would be wary.
Moving on.
What this really boils down to is what conference he is attending. You'll need to change your tactics depending on what he's in town for.
If it is some psychology conference (sounds like he’s got some mom issues so he probably did go into psychology) then tell him that your apartment is all female, like in Bosom Buddies, and that the only way he can stay is if he dresses up like a woman the entire week. If he still wants to stay, tell him it was a trick and that he’s way too creepy.
If he’s attending a run of the mill training seminar, tell him that your apartment is being used as a set for a movie. When he asks what movie, say, “It’s a (make sound effects indicating porn) movie.” If he’s still interested say, “But it’s (make sound effects indicating gay animal porn.)”
If it is an electronic conference, explain that your apartment is in between an electrical transfer station and magnet factory and all of his gadgets will get fried. If he questions you about how you are able to talk on the phone to him now, tell him it’s a rotary dial phone. Back this up by saying your phone number is FL 2-2525.
If it is a porn conference, I’ll rent out your room for the week and he and I can go together.
I hope this helps you. And when your step-cousin is being beaten and robbed after staying in a $10 a night hole in the wall, you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have all that extra laundry and cleaning up you selfish bitch.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Legally, you can have sex with a step-cousin so all your worries about creepiness are moot.
My stepmother recently called to ask if her sister's son could stay with me when he attends a week-long conference in my town. He is attending the conference on his own dime and cannot afford the cost of a hotel.
I haven't seen this step-cousin since I was 10, and think that it would be pretty awkward to have him stay in my one-bedroom apartment.
What excuse should I give so that I don't look like a jerk?
Sincerely,
Inhospitable in NYC
Dear In,
Step-cousin? How do you get a step-cousin? Seems a bit fishy. Why didn’t he step-call you himself? I can see why you would be wary.
Moving on.
What this really boils down to is what conference he is attending. You'll need to change your tactics depending on what he's in town for.
If it is some psychology conference (sounds like he’s got some mom issues so he probably did go into psychology) then tell him that your apartment is all female, like in Bosom Buddies, and that the only way he can stay is if he dresses up like a woman the entire week. If he still wants to stay, tell him it was a trick and that he’s way too creepy.
If he’s attending a run of the mill training seminar, tell him that your apartment is being used as a set for a movie. When he asks what movie, say, “It’s a (make sound effects indicating porn) movie.” If he’s still interested say, “But it’s (make sound effects indicating gay animal porn.)”
If it is an electronic conference, explain that your apartment is in between an electrical transfer station and magnet factory and all of his gadgets will get fried. If he questions you about how you are able to talk on the phone to him now, tell him it’s a rotary dial phone. Back this up by saying your phone number is FL 2-2525.
If it is a porn conference, I’ll rent out your room for the week and he and I can go together.
I hope this helps you. And when your step-cousin is being beaten and robbed after staying in a $10 a night hole in the wall, you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t have all that extra laundry and cleaning up you selfish bitch.
Love,
HolyJuan
PS Legally, you can have sex with a step-cousin so all your worries about creepiness are moot.
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